A WALK TO REMEMBER

a year had gone by

2011-01-01T13:13:00.000-12:00

A hectic 2010 and 2011 started isn’t too well. Lots of problems, lots of challenge…

2010.. a year to remember.. a year of growing…a year of love

2011.. cant expect much.. just hope things goes well for all my loves one.. I never expect much…

I am worry..I felt scare and lonely.. I just had to go through all these..

Being hurt

2010-12-17T08:15:00.002-12:00

Being hurt by someone you truly care about leaves a hole in your heart that only love can fill….

Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go. Today, the one I truly care about leaves me some harsh words; words that cause me could not sleep well. My head was spinning and tired. Walking, working, barely breathing
my thoughts, far away. Heart aching, mind racing. Sleep does not come easily, nor last long….. I feel the pain deeply….

Deep thought

2010-12-14T11:00:00.000-12:00

I sat alone another day.
The world was moving all around me,
but it seemed as if my life was in a standstill.

There is too much fear inside.
I can't answer to it
The anxiety even controls that.

Everyone walking around me, but I can't move, the
apprehension paralyzes me.
My heart beats faster and faster.
I can feel it in my chest.

Beads of sweat
Racing
Falling
Running down my forehead.
All the thoughts swarm in my brain.
The fear picks up.
It is unbearable.
I'm so frightened, but I don't know what of.
The paranoia sweeps over my body like a giant wave.

Hope Pray Win
That's the only thing I can do now...

i wish

2010-12-11T02:09:00.000-12:00

I wish I could go for a holiday now
with the one I love and care
to escape from all problems
to rest my mind
the pain is there
I dont want to think now....

Unbearable

2010-12-08T23:34:00.000-12:00

Today is the longest day. A tiring day. My head is heavy and still heavy.

Every complication is a challenge.

I give support. I give love

I’m tired

Tired of all these

Tired of ignorance and fight
Tired of living

I can't breathe
It feels like I'm suffocating
I get scared
I get tired

Tired of not being able to hold on
Hold on to life
To sanity
To happiness
For even one second of the day

Yes I’ve seen a lot of pain
Just couldn’t stand the sight
Didn’t dare to spell it
Fearing it will bring more

I hope I can just had to run away

Unbearable

2010

2010-12-07T02:51:00.002-12:00

Today… for the ending of year 2010… I was in the mood of blogging to express my inner feelings about life….

I am not old but more mature than most adults; smarter that most adults. I don’t have choice. I learnt to live with it. I don’t want to carry this burden. I am collapsing under my insecurity; crushed by my past, my present, and my future. For I know what lies ahead in this life: sorrow, misery, grief. No one knows this more than I, though people claim I’m too young to fully grasp what life has to offer. I have life pinned down in its fatal position, screaming its ugly truths to me in terror. I soak it all in. I learn from it.

I can tolerate when others hurt me. I can go on life picking up pieces by pieces with the great help and support from DEAR, Dearest and others. There is joy in my life, blessing of having beloved DEAR and Dearest (far away in Germany) in my life though they are happily attached …however, they still love me as much as I love them. The blessing to have my kor, kawan and all dear(s) and friends to care for me. I appreciate and count my blessings everyday. With the blessings, I live on my life.

I could not take it when others try to hurt those that I love. I rather the pain and suffer is on me rather than on the one which I love with whole of my heart. I will be alone without her. Is not easy to see the pain and sorrow in the eyes. The disappointment and the heartbreak that the one has to take. Too pitiful to see. To hard for me to take. I knew the pain, I know the sorrow. But the help and support I could give is too little. I hope I could be stronger. I hope I could give more. My heart breaks to see this. My tears keep falling. What I could give is only my care, my love and my support. I give all I had. I try all I can. I had put her through this and I hope this is the best I could give.

My deepest appreciation to those that care, love and help. No words could express my greatest thanks and to tell how grateful I am. I will be grateful for the rest of my life. The sincere concern, the silent prayer, the companionship, it might be little but I felt that is the most sincere love that I had received. That’s meant a lot. Really a lot.

My mind isn’t clear. My heart never peace. I do not know much more suffer and pain in life. But I couldn’t think much now. My tired body and soul. I dont mind to be hurt. If that could make life easier. I can only leave it to faith. I am fated to be such. I will still give and love till I die. Life still go on….. and all I need is just simple love...

Silent pain

2009-07-10T01:00:00.000-12:00

Silently screaming
Nobody hears
Falling down my cheeks
Are unseen tears

This silent suffering
Is getting to be more than I can bear
God, Please help me now
Get rid of my fears
God Please help me now
Sort through this despair

I may as well give it up
I've got nowhere to turn from here
I'm empty inside
And I don't know why

Just go away now, the unknown pain
Whether your here doesn't matter
This silent suffering has come again
And will remain here i think forever

lube .... OH NO!!

2009-04-28T18:25:00.002-12:00

I cant take any artificial sweetening agent - no sorbitol, no aspartame, less fructose..

If not mistaken, lube use sorbitol.... DIE!!!! :(

My Diet Menu after the Op

2009-04-27T20:28:00.001-12:00

My Menu

No Oil
No FAT
No Milk
No Beans
No Cheese
No White Bread
No Cabbage
No Dairy
No Banana
No Sorbitol or Artificial Sweetener
No popcorn

Less White Rice
Less Nuts
Less Garlic
Less onions
Less broccoli
Less cauliflower
Less sprouts
Less orange
Less apple

What can I eat then!!!!! T...................T

Haiz.... takkan everyday sashimi.... mana mampu?

My BIG Day

2009-03-17T19:32:00.004-12:00

Been off blogging quite sometime d.. hehe.. malas n tired. here are some updates... for a month back.. 19 FEB. my bday (hehe... one month still consider not bad compared to my DEAR :P)

Nothing much going on that day. I took leave. Alone. Saje. dont want to work. Went to meet DEAR for makan lunch at Pavillion. My favourite jap food. then walk ard with dear6. and back home to rest. No much celebration heh...old d...

Got a pendant which is very shining and nice from DEAR n DD. Then a spec frame from kawan. Simple and precious gifts.

I bought myself a RADLEY bag and a BRAUN BUFFEL Wallet. hehe... pampered myself a bit and get rid of bad lucks using the old wallet. :P

Bahagia nyer...........

PS: the most got "heart" di of DEAR is Silencer. Never ever thought of this sweet little guy will post me a little cute NICI orang utan which i named him "U U" (in BM). DEAR said he never give hint i like NICI soft toy. REally suprise me. So sweet. So, now i will declare that he is QUALIFIED as DEAR's di. :P kakakaka.... nampak ni budak??? satisfied? oh ya... he even sms me before my bday as he knew i sleep earlier and cant wait for the count down one.... memang korek byk my rahsia le... thankssss a lot.

vday 2009

2009-02-15T01:56:00.003-12:00

hoho... happy got this vday gift from my DEAR. my first only gift. yay, thanks DEAR..... muaks

oh ya... i bought myself a stalk of tulip 2 days before the vday... nobody buy ma buy for sendiri lo... not big deal.. happily with a purple real tulip...

been to a pre vday birthday party as well... enjoyable and nice to see my dear(s) around, oh ya and my anak.... having such a soft skin and hair.. jealous... :P

simple and happy vday.....

disappointment

2009-01-29T02:23:00.000-12:00

This year started not so smooth for me as I am suffering with serious allergic. Really a suffering month for me and still the condition didn't get better after consulting two doctors. More than 7 visits. I am not well. I see no lights yet. But I still hope I will be better. My DEAR is there for me when I am in suffer. My Dearest is there to give me support. Everyone left me except them. Tonight I seen it. Time to accept. Time to ignore. Time to let go. Completely. Do hope my tears stop here – today is the day I see the truth.

bad condition

2009-01-08T02:59:00.002-12:00

year 2009 started badly it seems.. having skin in bad bad condition. i dont know wat happen. i cant sleep by now after the medicine prescribed by dr though. i felt scared. i felt down. i felt the pain. i am worry. i know i might get better. but i know i also might get worst. i had no confident on my body. too many bad experiences in life. there are now more than 20 big blisters spots... they wont spread so dun run away. but they doesnt get better too T_T

little hope for 2009

2009-01-01T03:57:00.002-12:00

Ended year 2008 with disappointment in heart... but do felt blessed for the loves from my love ones. 2009 a new year ahead.... unpredictable... just a little hope and wishes ... for those i love, stay healthy and happy always...

Terribly Loosing Confident

2008-11-23T22:55:00.002-12:00

Population of non PLU had all disappeared i think... personally... deeply. hmm... seems like i cant figure out any one among my friends or my list. :(

I think i am loosing confident of believing in there is someone that i'm searching for for so long.....

My painful experience

2008-10-30T06:27:00.001-12:00

I think most of the readers of this blog knew that I just gone through an operation. Removal of gallbladder. This is the 4th operation I had in life but this considers a major one and I had suffered the most.

Pre-op : Before the op, I thought I am having gastric pain as I always had. But the condition is getting worst though the dr gave me some japs and medication for the pain, it doesn’t seem no improvement e at all. The pain I had causes me couldn’t sleep at nights I felt terribly pain and the uncomfortable feel all over my body is torturing. I felt hot sometimes that I had to sleep on the floor to cool me. At another moment, I felt cold and had to cover comforter. I am running up and down to find a best spot to sleep. But is really hard for me to fall asleep with the pain that I couldn’t know why. Finally, went for a details check up, there was the whole cluster of stones in the gallbladder wall and duct causing the acute pain. But, my bad luck seems continue as I couldn’t get any guarantee letter due to the Raya holiday. So, medications to help to relief pain a bit and waited for the GL to be ready. My dearest and housemate were so worry that I will mumble in my sleep that I am pain, hot and cold but luckily dearest is kind enough to be my “remote control”—on and off aircond, blanket me and make me hot drinks.

Op: DEAR and housemate need to take turns to on leave on my op day due to their tight schedule that day. Everyone is worry for the lousy service in the hospital. They tried to b with me during the “peak” hour, right before my op and after to make sure that I am well taking care off. I had suffered until the op, but goodness the suffer didn’t stop right after the op. I was in cold for an hour in the OT room after I was awake from the op. No one from ward is free to bring me back. Climbing from bed to another until my room is taking my life. The pain from the op is even worst. I felt the pain even I am not moving. Cant get up or and felt pain getting to toilet. It was like horrible. DEAR keep my lips moist with wet tissue. I was under drip therefore no food or drink allowed for more than 24 hours. DEAR cant do anything, just accompanying me quietly seeing me in pain. I get him off the hospital as late and monsoon season during that time. And there, the stupid nurse didn’t take well care of me after I get to toilet, I bleed due to the force on my drip. Such a bad hospital having me unattended, spoilt drip roller and under dosage pain killer. When others beloved dears and kawan came bringing my favorite fruits, I am just like dead fish lying there.

Post-op: Finally I was discharges after 2 nights in the worst hospitals I had. DEAR’s sis and mum taking well care of me. The ride back home and meal is like the warmest wishes they gave. Under series of medication but seems the recovery is super slow due to my bad health. Bleeding, internal inflammation, causing me taking another 2 course of antibio and medical leaves for more than 2 weeks. The acute diarrhea pains, the vomiting, painful wounds, were with me till today. Recovering stage is like ages compared to a normal people taking few days or a week to get back to work. I think is time for me to get a good advice to find out abt my blood profile that is suspected abnormal. But seems like the dr couldn’t get me any good reference.

After this op, I am a person without gallbladder. Diet intake is important. The inconvenience to dine with me is there. Fresh sashimi, plain salad, steam dishes are the limited choice I had. And my application of PR is an unknown due to my health… Felt really down……….

A Birthday Dedication to DEAR

2008-10-09T01:00:00.001-12:00

Today is my best friend birthday. He's 28, looks 18, and sometimes he's going on 58, sometimes 98, depending on what the day demands :P.

He's been my best friend for nearly 10 years, my soul mate since the day we were at high school. Probably one of the funniest people I know, he never fails to bring belly laughs. He understands and knows me better than I know myself.

When I look into the future, I see our two gnarled, arthritic hands intertwined, my kids playing around with their God father n mother watching over, and I know that we are destined for a long and happy life together.

Happy Birthday DEAR. You are my DEAR, my best friend, and you deserve much happiness!

Zzzz-less

2008-10-01T16:35:00.002-12:00

I cant sleep. though med that suppose to make me sleep was taken... i still awake.. yeah, i am sleepy but i cant sleep. the pain through the back is acute. i will try to zzz a bit... i cant wake dearest up. he just sleep after accompanying me for my "medical breakfast". i wonder this pain will last how long....

If

2008-09-20T02:38:00.000-12:00

My insomnia is getting worst these days. Is almost 2am and I'm not lying on bed and resting. My mind is occupied. My body can't relax. I felt the stress. My beloved fren:

If love can change things, i wish i can give more.

If care can help a little, i don't mind giving all.

If patience is they key, i have to learn it through.

But... i do not know what to do.. worries and pain, do not help at all. Is not easy to handle.. is heartache to see the suffer.. i wish i can hold you to sleep, i wish i can share a little more, what i want to see is a healthy and happy you, my love.

Little wish

2008-09-15T13:00:00.000-12:00

Is pain to see two souls drifting apart
The love is not faded
Just do not how to express to each other
Just do not how to show the care and love
Give and reach out, my dear
In our heart the loves meet again
I really hope so……

小小的祈祷

2008-09-08T00:00:00.000-12:00

但愿我不是你生命中的过客，而是你心里的住客。

认识你虽然不是很久，却经历了喜怒哀乐。

朋友，谢谢你所付出的一切，

愿我不在的日子里，你过得更快乐。

Little love means A LOT

2008-09-02T16:54:00.000-12:00

When you are lonely, companionship means A LOT;
When you are sad, happiness means A LOT;
When you are happy, sharing means A LOT;
When you are down, cheer means A LOT;
When you are cold, a hug means A LOT.

People tend not to show that they care nor love for things. But in their hearts, sometimes they do. They just refuse to tell or show. May be they felt shy, may be egoistic in them make them hard to tell/show. Is really a sad thing if you didn’t tell when you have the chance to do so. When you feel that you want to do it, is always too late.

For me, calling and sms-ing person that I care and asking how they doing is necessary. Wishing them a good night and take care. Telling them how much I miss and love them. For some people, it might be calling me “a slut” as it sounds too direct. But for me, I just express my love to them as a little love does mean A LOT.

When someone is lonely, a call might cheer them up. Making their day cheerful as they might not speak to anybody for the whole day. Greeting a good night and kiss, making their night peace and happy. A simple call when they are down, listening to them, making their sadness reduce.

Never hesitate to do so... show your LOVE today....

Inner feelings

2008-08-11T17:16:00.002-12:00

By myself walking,
To myself talkingWhen as I ruminate
On my untold fate,
Scarcely seem I,
Alone sufficiently,
Black thoughts continually
Crowding my privacy.

Frankly, I do not know what to post. The feelings deep in my heart are as the poem above. Family, Love, Friends --- I seems like have too little of that. However, I felt glad I still have somebody there for me, when I am sad, when I am happy. Is too sad and heart pain to see the truth. But I do learn to appreciate and love more. My tears fall easily these days seeing sad truth. I do not know how to pour. May be I've learn to keep all this while. The real truths arent easy to take. I've been too weak to handle. I had tried to be strong. But the pain is still there. And I knew the day will come no matter what, and I just hope I can be strong to handle and my dear will be there by my side.

Heart Beat

2008-06-27T23:00:00.001-12:00

For the very first time in my life... I heard of a heart beat by my naked ear!

Ok ok... i know i am too excited. The sound is so real... "bup bup, bup bup!"

Is exactly the same in what's showing in those movies. (See, not any computer effect)

Hehe..... the heart beat of a close fren... so clear... so science... Wow... i am impressed :P

Thanks, dear.. my letting me to hear that...

Some one that I love

2008-06-24T02:29:00.000-12:00

My life seems to be too ‘interesting’ these days. It makes me handiness. I do think HE is giving me big challenge that I cannot handle it alone. I do not know how to take it easily.

Sometimes it is not to me directly but to those that I love. I personally do think that is much more painful seeing the one I love in suffer or pain. It does hurt me more. I cannot do anything much except comforting. My heart feels pain for those that I love. I do not want to see those that I love feel sad or down. I wish I can cheer them up.

Stay strong! I will lift the heavy blanket from your shoulders. Let me hold it …

Life

2008-06-19T03:29:00.000-12:00

Some people joy for life, some tried hard to get alive,

but some easily want to end their life.

Some thoughts in my mind recently. I’ve experienced the joy of new-born and I’ve heard of giving up in life. The latter is so heartache to hear. Most of us do face problems in life. Some are lucky to overcome, but some are too unlucky. I’m the lucky one. I’m surrounded with people care and love me lots. Sorry for making u all worry for me, dear. Sorry that I will need to face it no matter what. I can’t give up. I’ll be stronger to handle. With all your support and care, strength and love, I’ll take care of myself. I’m sorry to make you worry. Thanks for being there, dear. I love u …

当你孤单，会想起什么呢？

2008-06-13T05:25:00.004-12:00

现在的我，思绪很乱，思路没有方向，想着想着心口又疼痛了，身上的痛已被心灵上的创伤，远远的超越了。脸上的泪，已分不清楚是旧痕还是刚刚不由自主所留下的。我不知道我为何用了我所有脑力，写了这些，可能是我在不久前阻止了一个我深爱的人用英语来表达他的意愿。

这些日子，所承受的压力，让我塌下了。从一件可能让人毫不起眼的事件，勾起了一连串的痛苦回忆，一个让我埋没在深处的伤口。一路来，从没好好的睡一场，梦游已成了我生命中的一部分。现在，从睡梦中惊醒的痛苦，又回来了。我不能原谅与忘记，只好好好的深藏起来，未来的路，我不会面对，只好逃避。

与一个虽认识不久的朋友有意见上争执使我情绪低落了。我心口疼了。心疼他的忙碌与奔波，生气自己的直率，使他生气了。一波一波的事件，我失眠了。加上工作上的无理与压力，身上的伤与闷热，我累了。今天的我，已一拐一拐的忍痛，把思绪都填满了满满的工作，可是还是都不停的飘远。
当我接到另一个电话时，我崩溃了。所发生的一切一切，都围绕着我。我是事件发生的中心点，他说得没错，我是忽略了朋友的感受。我应该怎么做呢？问或不问已开始让我恐惧. 坦白或不，让我不会选择. 我的心好疼好疼，快呼吸不到了。

当你孤单，会想起什么呢？我的脑海里，快乐不见了，伤感把它取代了。我哭了。我好害怕。我好孤单。我的心，再次的关闭了。我默默地承受，默默的流泪，我不敢让关心我的人知道，因为他们会担心。那一个拥抱，把我的泪擦掉，让我可以把悲伤放下的避风港不见了。

Trauma and No Treatment

2008-06-12T04:16:00.002-12:00

I can’t sleep well again these days after the incident. I was awake in scare again middle in the night. Something that can’t be brush off from my mind for years. Memories had flooded back. I froze. I wouldn't relax and I burst into tears. I do not know how to overcome that. I do not how to explain. I felt terrible scare and unsafe.

I can’t forgive and forget. It was registered in my brain. I have no power to erase it. Until unless one day my brain is going to be “formatted”. I wish for peace in mind.... but i don't think the day will come.

Sad days

2008-06-08T22:00:00.001-12:00

Life would be happier if we can forget easily......

Been unhappy for few days and still having that bad feeling. When I'm alone even when I'm driving, my mind tend to think about the incident happened recently. While our king is celebrating his birthday, I'm in the “funeral”.

It can be said that is just like the Dr. already told me about the worst condition, I knew it and yet to final confirm the death. And the day came, finally. To be honest, I felt down n sad. My tears dropped thinking about it. Is not easy to take it though I've been in it for years. DEAR told me that is the visual act that shown to me. That's why I felt that.

I don't know how to respond. I just let them do it. Let them do whatever they want. The action did hurt me though I've no rights to argue. I just have to take it and live with it. My heart bleeds again. Though it will recover one day but the scar will just be there forever. I wish I could let go and forget but it will never as the wounds are too deep.

That's the cross I have to carry on my own and is heavy.

P/S: Double sad when I made my friend felt sad. I do deeply understand his feelings n been in his shoes. I'm so sorry, dear. Forgive me.

Bitch-ing

2008-06-05T15:05:00.000-12:00

Personally I don’t like people to lie or being not punctual. I had 2 cases here where these people really stepping on my tail.

1st case
Being not punctual. Being late for 40 mins and didn’t say a single sorry and apologize face to face. Then making my friends going round to try to help, get things fix for him and didn’t even say a simple thank you. Even dare to smile in big eyes open trying to be funny telling people he’s did give effort. Oh please, go off..

2nd case
Another nuts! A stupid fool that can’t give me a single quotation even now, dragging till a month and yet things not resolve. Sending me a quotation but not a single number in the sheet. Then, called me up after office hour, asking me

“do u get the quotation?”
“no, didn’t”
“I oredi sent wor”
“Is ur email having problem?”
“ Yalor, the telephone line was cut off by forklift, so cannot go online whole day already”
“Then… how u send me the quotation then?! You expect me to get that?”
“Ermmm… then nvm la, I fax to u tomorrow”

And the stupid fool still faxing me wrong quotation, all terms wrong again. I had spoke to him in Chinese and English. I had wrote to him in English and Chinese. And yet this bloody shit still doing the wrong thing. Haiz.. he even told me the chemist don’t know how to do, the purchaser also don’t know. I hate that bloody shit and I have to deal with him as my boss want him to be our supplier. I think I will get heart attack soon. My boss still scolding me as me not patience to him. He asked me must teach him slow slow. Invite his people sitting in front of me, teach them how to do. OMG… what the hell is that! Help!

Oh my... how can I not to be bitch with these people around!

STRESS

2008-05-23T02:34:00.000-12:00

Seriously having STRESS at work. Boss became more demanding. A marketing exec had resigned and no sign of getting any new one. I did ask but seems once I can still cope, no new recruitment will be done. Ridiculous reports. Demanding results. I felt bad.

At this hour. I still asleep. Basically I cant sleep well at night. My dear is also still at work. Pity him for being in that position. Once the responsibility getting higher, then workload will become heavier. Sometimes, I can just wish to had work with a MNC. Then, working hour wont be drag into this kind of timing.

May be I should go to see the other offer that still open for me? May be not? I dont know. Desicion is hard to make.

Don't be afraid to Fall in Love Again!

2008-05-20T16:00:00.000-12:00

I watched PS I love You last night. A movie that i wanted to watch for so long. Thanks for my dear2 to get that downloaded for me. I finished the book 3 weeks back and my tears fall. And.. yesterday night i was into it again with that touching movie.

Don't be afraid to fall in love again.

A beautiful phrase that grabbed my attention.In my opinion, is easy to say than to do it. To fall in love with someone isn't as easy as it is. Sometimes, is not that we afraid to do so. The fact is we do not know how to open up our heart to someone else when we been hurt once. Falling in love is beautiful. Living in pain is a reality. When the love from someone is much greater than the pain you are living with, then you will try to love him back as well. It takes time to forget. It takes time to love again. But the day will definitely come. Smile :)

PS: A special dedication to my beloved FRIEND and myself. I love you, guy(s)!

Unlucky ME

2008-05-14T12:58:00.000-12:00

I’ve been unlucky for lots of things in life. Having all the gadgets spoilt and malfunction. Even I have to need to go through a simple X-ray twice in a morning as the film got stuck in the machine. The level of unlucky really unbelievable and they just happened for no reason.

This time round is my little new car. It had been months I get to fix the problem but I still going round and round and problem still there. Today, I have to off for a day again for driving my car all the way up to RAWANG and waited there boringly But, it still not fix yet.

Life is just never easy for me. I have learnt throughout the way though, is not easy at all. I asked for hope, but was always ends with disappointment. I’m too used to that. The disappointment and sadness is far deep kept in my heart. I ask for HIS blessing but HE never answer yet or I am blessed in other way? I don’t know. What I can do, is hope for the best. That the rain will go away soon and sun start to shine again….

Dilemma

2008-05-04T00:40:00.000-12:00

Been so long I didn’t update my blog. Not because of work or busy. But just have nothing to update about. Life is just passing by days by days. Work is normal and in good hands. Night market ‘shopping’ during weekdays with kawan D is enjoyable. Finally someone can be crazy with me visiting night market without buying things. Just wanna kill my time. I found that time passed so slow. Indeed very for me as I do think too much. Luckily I have kawan D and dear spending time with. I'll have dearest soon in JUNE. Complicated mindset now. Joyful and yet very worry. I scared I can't handle well. I hope I can do it best. For the best of him. Wish me luck!

Learn to Say ............

2008-04-08T23:50:00.001-12:00

Hmm.....been unwell for almost a month... hoping for a recovery soon after eating imported medicine. Is really suffering... cant sleep well, headache... not enough air to breath... i think i might die when the air is not enough. I put my inhaler near to me.. for being my "hero" if i needed it. I've tried the "peak" moment years back. Very scary. I almost died. I am more alert now. But.... harsh words and pressure still "stimulate" the pain. I couldn't ignore much. I feel the stress.

I have to learn now from a good teacher---my dear. Learn to be more "concern" in my words... Learn to use "Good" intension in my sentences to comfort people. Hmm..... though i cant change the situation much, but at least i will be in less trouble then........

I so need some warmest hug now... i feel cold. the expensive medicine is working d... time to zzzzz

Realized

2008-03-26T00:10:00.000-12:00

Love is blind.
The feeling is good.
But the timing isn’t right.

The heart do cherish a bit when confession been made,
But now it starts going shattered apart.
I’m sad I will never know how much meaning our relationship had for you.
I’m sad because I will never know how you really felt about me.
I’m sad because I still think of you.

For once… I am blind. Naïve. Stupid.
The best words to describe ME.
When I step back and see from far,
I can see clearer, the view is broader.
Suddenly I realized. Suddenly I no longer blind.

I want to smile as I look up at the sky.
I want the moon to brighten the night.
I want the clouds to pass me on by.
I want the stars to guide me to heaven.
I want wings to life me and fly!

And I still do have my dear(s) by my side…. I am not alone.

Friend OR Lover ?

2008-03-11T12:31:00.002-12:00

Warning !! This post is totally clean from any "horrible" photos as the previous one :D.

Can a guy and a gal ever be just friends?

This is an eternal question in the minds of most people. Whenever you see a guy and a gal together, the first thing that comes on your mind is - 'they must be seeing each other'. As if there is no other possible relation between them. How far is this assumption justified?

I have many males friends but in contrast to the popular belief, they are NOT my boyfriends. With them around, I never have that 'one thing' in mind. I didn't bond with them just 'coz they are handsome or attractive. We are just close buddies and yet we share such a lovely comfort level. Moreover, I'm more comfortable with them than anyone else.

Now, that does attract a lot of raised-eyebrows. 'Hey, why do you give him so much importance? Is something brewing?' What a bunch of idiots. It's just biological that I'm more open with guys. I mean, I’m more comfortable with the opposite sex. Among pals of same gender, there's always a barrier, some sort of uneasiness. But with the opposite gender, there's no such hassle.

You're always more caring and gentle towards the opposite sex. When you are down and need someone to be beside you, it's them who'll give you more comfort. Similarly, when a girl really needs some advice or help, can she really depend on another girl? Being totally honest, girls dislike helping each other. Even best of friends think twice before helping the other. There's always some jealousy burning between any two girls. But it's just the opposite with guys. Girls can always look upto a guy friend for help or advice. Helping 'damsel in distress' is like top priority for most guys. And as they say - 'A friend in need is a friend indeed'.

There's really a very very thin line between friendship and love. Maybe I donno what's love. For me, they are literally inseparable. Listen to this - "She's my friend but I don't love her" or "I love him but he's not my friend". Sounds funny, huh? My guys friends are more close to me than gals. Some people think of it as my weakness; that I wear my heart on my sleeves. I can't help but pray for them.

Lemme know about your views on this matter.

A lesson to learn

2008-03-04T13:44:00.002-12:00

Before operation and Infected flesh

After operation

I’ve been through a minor operation on my toe yesterday, removing the nail. Though this is not the first time I having operation but I do feel scared and nervous. Compared to the previous two major ones that I had, this is really ‘kacang’… But hello, it still hurts.

I hit my toe a month back and it doesn’t bleed by that time. The dirty blood came out a week after that when I massaged it. And in my little heart, I thought it was ok by then. Slowly, the nail was dying day by day and yesterday afternoon, it was half peel off and is painful inside. I really do not know how to react and I as usual ask my dear… He said “Go to Dr and pull it”. And my colleague was like saying “is normal le, let it peel by itself.. Everyone sure experience that in their life”. Sounded so weird and ridiculous. So, I decided to listen to dear.

A uni’s fren dropped by when I got home so she bring me to the Dr. Two injections to the toe. I shouted in pain. Then the Dr. start doing her part but still I felt the pain when she tested using a needle. So she have to inject another dose. Ok… after 3 dose, I can’t really feel the pain but the nurses are looking for blade! Oh God… in my heart I pray that they better find it before the effectiveness of the medicine gone, or I think I will die.

Finally, the Dr. found that and she cut the half-peel nail and infected new skin away. I have to see it as she is teaching me how to do the dressing as she believe I can do it myself everyday. Horrible swollen big red toe. It was killing me few hours later when I’m about to go to bed.. Pain killer doesn’t work well on me. I was lying in pain till I fall asleep.

I’ve a week of MC but I will need to be in the office by tomorrow. The nail is still pulling in pain and uncomfortable feeling is still there but I felt better and can bear with it by now. Tiring and painful experience… I told myself “I will be more careful and never ever hit my toe again!” as this experience is so sucks. T_T

When Love Turns to Pain

2008-03-03T12:08:00.004-12:00

Is TRUE LOVE only exists in fairytales?

For now PAIN is the only thing that I know

For sure the PAIN is real

No happily ever after

PAIN is my only proof

It tears my little heart

Hurt my beloved friend

Love is but a sham

Bringing only worse PAIN

Is true love exist?

Why true love can turns to PAIN ?
I do not understand

“It takes only a second to love someone, but it took more than a decade to FORGET him”

I hope he is fine…. Everything will be fine, my dear…

MY BIG day Celebration

2008-02-21T16:34:00.003-12:00

Dear, HP and CK (Ex-hubby) manage to get me out of the blues on my BIG day. Been frustrated for the whole day itself waiting my car to be done in PERODUA but at last cannot be settle within the day. Sat at my room with tiredness and worrying for it. Haiz… So, dear suggest that we had a BIG celebration on the day itself.....

HP came back home bringing a cake and CK. Then we headed to pick dear at the station before heading to a simple meal (Teow Chew Porridge). HAHA… Such a creative suggestion from ME… (I’m being too FAT d… so have to think of something light. Ordered many many dishes… and of course porridge… Yummy yummy…

Oh… forget not a new super cute MONKEY for my car from dear… Never thought of getting soft toy liao as dear always scolded me for having a castle of soft-toy.. but he still got me one. Thank you, dear! Then, received a lovely hand-made card from.. cute and warming. J . HP gave me a cushion pig for my car also and CK bought my favorite oranges and rojak. We had a little CAKE cutting “ceremony” at home. Makan makan rojak and longan. Hehe… simple and yet nice!

Buddy had gave me a B’DAY KISS via skype a day before I go to bed as I can’t hold till 12am and I also got a real KISS from my dear on the day itself. Haha… happiest girl on the world! Hopefully next year can have both kissing me by my side. Hehe…. No prezzie also tak kisah….:) as they are the best prezzie I have in my life. (Wonder how ex-hubby think when he saw that… Can really see his eyes full of question marks…HAHAHA….)

Then we sent dear back and accompany HP to send CK balik rumah….Got a call from “someone”, luckily he is not too late… sincere and warmth wishes as well… felt lovely too.. (hmm…. Am I someone too easy to satisfy? :P) Felt a little tired and tidur mati before 12am…

A warm and beautiful Birthday…. I love it too much! Just a little sad without buddy… I looking forward for coming one… ( opps…. Coming one… means one year older wor… hmm… worth it with him around!)

P/S: Thanks my dearest... love you lots! "muaks"

Triple malang

2008-02-20T16:40:00.001-12:00

I think no one will have "malang" for 3 days berturut-turut except poor me.

Today... haiz... car havent ready even by now. Tak pe.... the stupid TURBO car that they borrowed me.. is freaking cheap. I cant find the button to opent the fuel tank and the meter isnt working also. So I lantak still drive... I just have to... until....... it totally STOP!!!!

Cant start... I am in the quite, rural area near my place. Under the hot sun. With no air-cond from the stupid car. Awaiting to be "SAVED"..

Under fear and pressure for more than 30 mins.. I nearly fainted. Paid to a Indian boy who pass by to help to get petrol. Worrying whether he will buy or not. Also worrying how to open the fuel tank until he told can use key..

HAIZZZZ.......... bad bad day! I really having heart pain and headache now after the incident. I cant think of any to help at the moment. I cant think of what I can do. I cant have anyone to help me when I in need. Poor me..

HARI yang MALANG X2

2008-02-19T17:41:00.000-12:00

Haiz.... sent my car to fix today. Since 1:20pm. Till now the car still at PERODUA.
I was told they needed 2-3 hours to get it fix. Okay... they borrowed me a car, a super TURBO kancil which like going to break into 2. Which like noisy like hell. Tak pe... asalkan i can reach home sudah.

Take a quick nap. Cant sleep well. Worried for my car. Mana tahu memang malang. Called them at 3.48pm, said will be ready an hour later. Called again at 520pm. Ask me to wait. called at 535pm.

"Your car cannot be fixed by today. We cannot remove the drive shaft la. Even the part also reach at 5pm. So, come tomorrow la"
"Tomorrow what time? Can I hold the TURBO?"
"Errgg... wait ar.." (Another 10 mins)
"Ok, Miss. You can have the car. Must lock properly. Must drive slowly. The fuel comsumption is very high"
"Ok, so tomorrow what time, still dunno. Your car is hard to fix. We will call u tomorrow"

Arghhh..... sienz la

Hari yang MALANG

2008-02-18T16:02:00.001-12:00

"Hari yang malang"... is not a title for karangan.. it happend to me!

My car is burning a big hole at my wallet today… RM 516++ for repairing and servicing. Hai…. A stupid wire/string had gone into my drive shaft system, tide all over the drive shaft and cause the drum burst due to pressure. And it was NOT under warranty as is an accident which no one will have ever. But it does happen to me! WHY?

Tomorrow gotto go again for getting the part fix. A birthday of mine where I will need to spend the whole afternoon there…. SO SAD…

Try to cheer myself up to a better lunch. Turn up the shop was closed. Then bump into a German Cuisine Restaurant for lunch with colleague… but… BAD food with ok price. Went to florist.. To see some flowers.. but expensive and not nice!

What a bad day I have here…. T_T

Childhood

2008-02-12T01:04:00.000-12:00

I've been driving back to hometown during CNY. First time...Hmm... Tiring. Backache as I injured it 2 days before the journey.

Stopped at my childhood place before I went back home which is an hour away. A place where I've grown up with my grand parents. Lots of memories. Good and bad. I've not seen those rooms and spaces which I spent most of my time when I was young. This time, I can spent sometime walking around and snapping photos.

The places are dusty. Pity my grandma that is staying there. Impossible for her to clean that by herself. She don't want me to help either. My heart was bitter seeing these. Luckily her room is still clean.

A room where i stayed till age of 12

A space where I swing "sarong" by myself

A space where I did my little cycling and TV session

How time flies.... I do not know what will happen to all these spaces when I am growing older, when my grandma is no longer around. What I knew is...memories of mine here will never fade.....

From the bottom of my heart

2008-02-04T17:54:00.000-12:00

Growing up you were always there
Each and every day showing me that you cared
Spoiling me every chance that you had
Letting me know that is okay to be sad.

After school, you checked on me day after day
Listening to every word I had to say
Each moment we spent together
Will be special to me forever.

Twelve years I kept you in my sight
Now all I can do is hold the memories tight
The day your soul drifted high
My heart knew, and all I could do was cry.

A festive season with sorrow, I
I hide under the blanket
To find my myself in a state of distress,
I broke down into tears.

I have spent years trying to put it in my past
And in college I have come to peace with it at last
A part of my heart left with you
The part that told me what to do.

Once I became confused and lost
I went to the church where God I sought
God told me something I did not know
I have your hand on my shoulder telling me where to go.

I once thought the part of me that went with you
Was lost forever and would not be put to good use
I now realize that I never lost part of my soul
I simply shared it with you to keep me whole.

You watched over me while you were here
And I know that you will watch over me from up there
Grandpa, to me you meant the world
Now with you I can live in the world.

My love for you, Grandpa, In this festive season…

Your 17th anniversary.
I Miss you....

10 years

2008-01-31T23:59:00.000-12:00

“Cheryl, our ex-schoolmates are doing a BIG, GRAND gathering in Hyatt this coming CNY”. My housemate told me that one night. “Hmm… gathering? For what le heh?” I asked in acuh tak acuh je manner as I am so not interested in that. “10th year anniversary wor” “WHAT?! So lama liao ar? Tak perasan pun!”

10th years…. "人生得二知己已足矣" -- Having two closed friends in this life is very blessed and enough. Buddy told me this years back. I do not catch that meaning too much at that time but I knew it now. I’ve gone through up and down in life with my dear and beloved buddy (I even knew him more than 20 years!). Our relationship is just like closed family - to be there for each other. For me, our friendship comes from the heart. It forms a link to our soul that cannot be broken. It connects so strongly that even death does not sever the cord. It connects the physical with the spiritual and creates an energy that is impossible to describe.

Is a special bonding between us. Though there are many out there asking why doesn’t any of us pair up to be an item since we knew each of other so well? No words can explain this, because we knew this is the best and most comfortable way for each of us. We appreciate the relationship that we have. We enjoyed this best gift of God that can never be tied with string.

Understandable that in every friendship there will be arguments. We know each other well and because we're sure that our friendship can survive any argument, we do fight, argue and hurt each other. But luckily we did not get into silly fights that turn into red-hot arguments. Even there is some arguments or fights, a simple word, a hug or even kisses will get us out of blues.

Is not easy to have each other in this way. 10 years isn’t a short period. I hope I can have many more 10 years with them. Is a love and friendship journey that I wish to hold their hands, walk with them side by side throughout my life, sorrow and happiness, I wish to share with them!

Thanks for the 10th years of pampering and love. Love you guys lots! T_T *Tears dropped

Choosing the PERFECT path

2008-01-30T23:00:00.000-12:00

Life –paths for us to walk through and live on. There might be many turning along the way and no doubt all of us are taking different pathways in life. We are working hard to achieve our goals and dreams in life. We do always want to go after something that looks good, attractive and perfect. Everyone does. That’s the norm for everyone to hope for better lifestyle.

I received a call the other day and that makes me think lots. He told me that he realized that he is so not interested in the current job. He might want to think of other pathway if the employer does not confirm him then. I asked only one question: “You said this is the job that you want all these while, that can let you learn, practice your skills and let you grow. Why not anymore?” “Ermm… not really suitable after I’m in it.”

In life, we always go after something that we think that might suit us, which look attractive and good. We will fantasize it to make it an excuse for us to grab for that. We can even sacrifice some other important things in life in order to get the ONE that we think that might be the BEST for us. Just like we choosing other half or choosing a job, we look for the best without deeper analysis and understanding. When we’ve it/in it, everything started to change. Today we can love it, tomorrow we might hate it. We are being too naïve and childish. We do not realize that we are actually loosing something more important in life along the way when we blindly made a decision to get the PERFECT things that isn’t suitable at all.

Do not wait till you lose something then you start to regret. Appreciate and love what you have when you still have it. Or else…. It will be too late..

Bancian........... BRA

2008-01-24T22:10:00.000-12:00

Normally this is a perv thing but for me is quite ok. Yeah, I'm running a bancian again... (dear, i think i get it right this time). BANCIAN again but this time is for BRA. Hehe... kindly help in this and looking for the BRA :P

A) Sex/Age

B) How many bra's do you own?

C) What colors and ur age to see the differences

D) Why do you own this/these? (optional)

Loneliness

2008-01-22T19:10:00.000-12:00

CNY is near the corner. And honestly I didn’t feel any joy or happiness deep in my heart. It should be a joyful occasion. It should be celebrated. It should be treated as a holiday. For me… it’s a sickening occasion where I should think of: Where will I be? Where it will be celebrated? What will happen during these days? What should I do? What can I do?

When my phone rang, I picked up. I don’t hear any single word. It made me wonder. It made me worry. It made me feel uncomfortable. I can’t concentrate the whole day. I hit my toe and it became black.

When the sun set, I headed home. My head was spinning. My mind was floating. I felt the loneliness. I felt the pain. I felt scared. I felt tired. I hide under the blanket. My tears dropped…

Memories are harder to forget

2008-01-17T22:00:00.000-12:00

I'll do what I do

You'll go back to being you

and will both forget

this phase were going through

I'll forget ur laugh and u'll forget my smile

We'll both forget the times we spent together

while u'll forget the memories

i'll forget ur name and we'll both forget the unbearable pain

I see u with her

u see him with me

we've forgotten each other

u r just another face i see.

The harder you try to forget, and you'll just remember.

Is it normal, is it not?

...... Is simply an unanswerable question.....

Research : RESULT

2008-01-13T22:00:00.000-12:00

The result was out after i have done my bacian among my frens. Thanks all for your kind co-operation and help!

Welcome the super undies queen : Daniel. H

Still awaiting for his calculation. But he has the most collection among my subjek. Trust me... Others pls... gambate!

Research : Undies...

2008-01-09T12:42:00.000-12:00

Doing a research/calculation now ... how many pair of undies do u have ?

I really wonder... how could one owns more than 50 pcs!

Insomnia

2008-01-07T03:48:00.000-12:00

I am awake at 3am and blogging. Huh... i must be crazy.The fact is --- I can't sleep. I do not know what to do. I do slept a lot after the "pill" from 11pm - 3 am and I can't sleep now. HELP me !!! I do feel tired but my head is too heavy. Can't put it to rest. What happen to me?!

Counting sheeps -- Yes, I did. but i do have funny ideas for example: the sheeps are afraid to jump! :P
Soft Music --- Even worst, i found that annoying... too noisy.
Milk --- Helpless for my body.. doesnt work
Blue and calm Sky-- someone suggested to me to think of any calm, blue sky, but.. a no no
Essential oils -- i had dozens but seems like i don't quite like it burning.
Off all lights --- of course i did. But I also scared of darkness.
Sleeping pills --- I tried years back, and is useless!
Sleeping supplements --- Yet to test the fullest of it's efficacy but seems like i am still awake after the pill.

I think i had tried every single solutions but still failed. Any other good one?

Year of Mice -- 2008

2008-01-04T23:12:00.000-12:00

Started the new year 2008 celebration at Desmond's with the others. Enjoyable and fun. Feel happy for the companionship of beloved and others. Feel pretty sad though without my buddy with me. I hope I can have him too with the gang. I can just ring and wish him a happy new year. Hope you are happy and fine, dearest.

The day started quite ok but quitely i was a bit down in heart. Feel bit down for the unreachable call and sms-s. But it was over after an email. I seen it through. I realized something. I start smiling again for my fool-est mind. Spent the whole morning with my grandma and uncle's family in Damansara. Then went off to pick my beloved to Andriez's pool side party. The guys are too slow so i suggested that we swim first. Become "a fish" for about 45 mins before leave for dinner with beloved's family. Then, jalan-jalan at my favourite "activity" -- pasar malam. Miss the old days with buddy in the night markets almost everyday!

Then...... balik and zzzzzzzz as i'm tired like mad. However, the following days and days are full of some disturbances and annoying calls and voice messages. Pretty sienz and stress. Luckily beloved and buddy are there to help me out. Sorry dear, awal awal tahun dah kena minta tolong hang to help up and sama-sama jalan kat jalan yang berduri.

Hope the road ahead wont be too hard for me to walk alone....

Year 2007 --- Reflect and Review

2007-12-30T10:25:00.000-12:00

YEAR 2007 -------- hmmm.... cant really know what year is this year, just knowing that it going to end soon. The mice are going to take over for the coming year.

Reflect and review 2007 :
Too many incidents happened throughout the year. Too many. Too hard to put everything in words how i feel and how i went through all that. I kinda love the year and on the other hand, I kinda hate it.

JAN-FEB --- BLANK and I cant think of any at all.
MARCH --- Love and cares that I can offer and give isn't enough and too "limited" in a way in this month. I can only do my best to offer best prayers and support. My heart is too painful for his suffer and pain.

APRIL --- The first vindication. The first love. The feelings is just right.
MAY --- The time had come. The reveal of the truth. Un-mask and stripping. We showed the inner of ourself. We cried. We joy a bit. The love growth stronger. The bond ties again. Thousand miles away. I scared. I worried. I lost a bit. I was being loved. I was being cared. I felt the comfort in their arms. I learnt to be strong.

JUNE --- While prayers and wishes growing, worries and tension never lesser. The more you know, the more suffer and pain you need to bear with. I'm carrying the cross but I knew I'm not alone. Arguments and silent treatments hurting each other.... A hug and a kiss.... We are friends again! The path we walked, the journey we treasured..... tied us back in heart.
JULY --- Time to go. I'm back to beloved again. I miss him so much! I hope i can be by him side helping and care for him too. But i just cant split. I'm really sorry dear. Back to reality. Life still need to go on. Nasty and harsh words from those that you cant really cut off the ties with... the feelings are horrible... my heart is painful.... i felt the loneliness... i am scared.

AUGUST --- Another bom. Another sickening part in life - Work isn't easy. Decision made. I should leave. But why cant they just let me leave in peace?
SEPT --- The 3rd bom, i lost a friend. I already split into pieces n still yet to bear with all this!

OCT --- I walked out of a fantasy in relationship... I try to let go. And is never easy. I do doubt. I knew i'm impatience. But the road isn't there for me.

NOV --- I started with my new life. A new car. A new responsibility.

DEC --- Enjoying being myself. Love from friends are more meaningful than the love that i had lost and let go. I appreciate and love them more and more. Small hiccups..... big problems....not easy to handle. Pity those that was hurt indirectl. Appreciate the ones that love me and suffer for me. I am too lucky to have them in my life.

Summary:
Hiccups make me grow. Problems make me mature. 2007 Isn't easy. I fell. I drown. I cried. I was carried again -- By those that loves me. By those that I love them too. They walked by my side. They support. They love. They care. Something that I lost is lost. Something that I should learn to forgive and forget. Something that I need to let go. What is important is NOW. I learnt how to appreciate and love more . And I found that life is just simple............with love around me. I felt blessed. I felt the joy in heart. Though there are more many challenges and hard times in my life.... but I knew I'm not alone anymore! Thanks for all the love and cares. Thanks for the comfort and the kiss. I love you all, my dear!

The time is near................

2007-12-26T23:19:00.000-12:00

The time is near.... it finally came. Something wrong with my body which i dont know what caused that.. suffered from severe pain last week until I am scared and called beloved, seeking for help. He was shocked and asked to take pain killer. I ate 2 tablet and pain started to relief and i fall asleep in pain. Then when i awake still have to bear with uncomfort feeling. It doesnt go off and started to follow by pain on the other part of the body. I felt the uncomfort and frustration. Easily get angry and tired. I shall wait for the check-up soon. I felt scared and worry. I hope the problem isn't that serious. I hope the side-effect wont be too much... Time to face it and get rid of that. I've been avoiding that too long.

2nd Day - SG Trip

2007-12-14T17:02:00.000-12:00

2nd day- 9th Dec, 0830, rainny...

Woke up ard half pass eight ... then lying on bed with my new softoy snow ball. Too lazy to wake up. Dunno what's the plan for the day. So, just "bergolek-golek" doing nothing until dear woke up to shower and get himself ready.

"Morning"

"Wanna go church?"

"Church?! Yeah! What time?"

"Hmm...1030am"

"Wah, now already 930am! Why u didnt wake me up earlier??!!!"

I took a quick shower and get myself dressed-up in 15 mins before we walked to the nearest bus station toget bus to nearest MRT. Reached the church ard 1030am and rush in. I dont like to be late for the service or i rather not going.

"Errmm....where is the alter ar?? Why i cant see?"
"Over there"
"Which one? The stage ar?"
"Yeah..."
"Hmm...But nothing there le!"

Okay, this is the Church of Our Saviour, in Queentown, SG. A Charismatic Church. First time to this kind of church. Started with singing, the leader even speaking in tougue. My dear already told me not to be suprise and feel scared. They are very strong in praying. Then, follow by sermons and singing from a 12 yrs old little blind girl. Very touching and good! He gave a comment "hmm... isn't it sounds better than the clubbing yesterday? heh?" I just gave him a smile. Haha... Service finished around 1pm. Took my "Branch" at the food court nearby. Meet nice people. The fish ball's noodle tauke gave me extra fish balls. The beverage auntie refilled the drink for me when i accidentally poured out the herbal drink. O_o (I think I'm too cute! LOL)

After meal, dear dropped me off at Jurong Point for shopping and he got back home for doing laundry and shower. But after 30 mins walked around, i got nothing there. Too crowded. Too many "so so" goods. I feel like the whole mall is like The Store! Hehe....

After met him back again, we went of to city hall and Raffles place. Hanging around in this two malls. He got me a christmas gift --- shopaholic & baby :). Then, walk ard for some photo shooting before meeting up beloved and his beloved for dinner @ the place which i dunno..7 course dinner. Nice presentation. Nice food. Good environment. Overwhelming waiter. Overall.... EXCELLENT!!!! :) Habis makan, jalan to OG plaza to get myself a OP T-shirt. Again, my beloved and his beloved hanging in the men's brief department. (see... in your favourite department again!) Me pula lepak and trying the rocking MBT shoes. I cant really walk with it. In fact, is horrible experience. My dear said i need to learn to walk liao... jahat betul. Habis makan, shopping, time to balik tidur. Beloved going his way and myself with dear in our way. Then he sent me to the interchange before he heading back and i got back by cab. 1115pm reached my friend's place safely. Tiring but a happy day! :)

P/s: I hope i can visit SG again............ after dear check out how to get to the SG's lion statue, the sentosa island etc..........:) May be 6 months later?

SG day 1

2007-12-11T17:18:00.000-12:00

I've been down to SG with beloved last weekend. For....Shopping and visiting my dear :P. Yeah... :P I took a day off and follow my beloved down to the south. He is fullfilling his conjugal duties and I'm just 3 8 around. :)

Everyone told me the christmas decoration is super nice in SG. But... hmm.. found it so so. A bit disappointing. Or may be is a rainning season there or my expectation is too high. I dont know. For me, is so so. :P

Start my shopping only around 1pm after a long wait for my dear to settle his "duties" in JB and due to the jam at Checkpoint, i've been waiting more than an hour. But i do appreciate and thank him for keeping his promise though he is not feeling quite well. Then, i start my shopping. Due to his first time in Orchard, my 2nd time there. So,we are like no sense of direction. I just drag him around - Atria, Paragon and Taka. I dare not to go to those places that I hardly know the name as i worried that we will get lost in the area. I felt super tired after 3 hours of shopping before meeting up beloved and his love one. Oh ya.. forgot not another cute uncle - HJ. Meeting point, as usual --- mens' brief department. haha... :P

We walked a bit for getting my Christmas present ------ A HUGE, CUTE, "SNOW BALL" -- is the name given to the soft toy. Prezzie from beloved and his KH. Wow... i am the happiest person that day. hehehe...

Then.. movie.. oh ya,, makan first before that. Again, some drink after the movie before clubbing. Suprise me for the uncle HJ. Super cute in the dance floor. Cool and cute guy. i like him. Then after a couple of hours there. dear teman i balik to ZZZZZZ... others also balik zzzz. we are too tired.

P/S: only day 1... day 2... see how la mood esok dan ada masa tak. hari ni dah tak larat ... :)

Business Trip

2007-11-27T16:15:00.000-12:00

Been to first business trip in this new company to Guang Zhou and Hong kong. Almost spend half of the month there. Five days in Guang zhou,one day in HK. Then back to Malaysia for a week. Then.. fly again! 1 day in GuangZhou, 5 days in HK. Huh! Tiring.

Both trips --- tiring and rush! My route : MYS-MACAU-ZU HAI-GUANG ZHOU-HK-MACAU-MYS

Can u guys see the complicated route? I had taken taxi, car, train, ferry and flight. One conclusion: VERY DAMMN Tiring ar !!!

Suppose no more flying this year. i told my boss... no more. I am too tired. My body cannot take it liao. Too much of flying. My Ear,Nose and Throat are complaining d! :P

Still in recovery period. Spend me quite some $ for that! Now slowly goes into maintainance period.

A new start --- New toy, New Life

2007-11-19T14:33:00.000-12:00

Finally, I got my first liability in life! My new car --- VIVA. Hmm... not any imported car, but is my first ASSET. I am glad and felt blessed with it. Thanks to my beloved for his help. Dear, thanks & I love u lots!

Feel the freedom! Feel the comfort and warmth! Feel the confident in my life.

5 years more to fully own this.. Long way to go still but I will .... :) Definately.

End of the Chapter

2007-11-07T17:52:00.000-12:00

A good ending of my complicated "relationship". My frustration was slowly replaced by disappointment. My anger was slowly swept away by my illness and busy workload abroad. Therefore, decided to meet for goodbye before he got abroad. As beloved advice, I do not hate him that much. Just the anger and frustration that keeps me ignoring his sms-es and calls.

He drove me to ENT doctor for the infection. Still care as a friend,I can say. That's is. Not much words and explaination. That's no longer important. Went for a simple farewell lunch. Accompanying him for final packing. I felt asleep due to the medication. The time came, goodbye and a hug. My tears fell. "Don't cry.." he said. I nodded.

Good bye, my friend. Take care always.....All the best in your future undertaking.

I'm in LOVE and I “Broke up” at the SAME TIME

2007-10-25T17:42:00.000-12:00

I have this strange feeling inside me about a year ago which is hard to figure out. I think it may be love but since I'm confused, it can be otherwise as well. This mixed feelings are real hard to decide whether it's true love or is it just attraction. After a year of his companionship, I took my time to explore my own feelings. After I poured and seek for advices from beloved and buddy, I get myself to think of the "relationship" that I had. I shall figure think out by now.

Is he always in my thoughts? – I simply can't stop thinking about him. No matter how hard I try but such thoughts would always conquer my mind even when I don't want them to. I would be totally driven crazy just based on these thoughts.

Does me care for him? - I tend to care about them a lot. I value him even more than I value myself and I think this is what true love is all about. I felt hurt when the person I feel I might love is hurt. I feel or experience joy when the person I feel I might love is happy.

Does his company comfort me? – I always feel great comfort and joy when he is around me. And when I'm away from him I would experience loneliness and discomfort.

YES for all the answers above. Therefore confirmed I love him.

BUT…It's often said that the one's we love the most comfort us at the same time hurt us the most. Therefore if even the smallest of acts/words from him hurts me lots. Some possibilities for me to think of whether he is showing me the love:

• he doesn't treat me like I'm important in his life
• he always doesn't keep his words
• he seems to enjoy my company, but it's as though he hasn't decided that I'm the special woman in his life
• he shuts me out of big parts of his real world and inner life
• he keeps telling me that he's not good relationship material, but he doesn't discourage you from with him
• he rewards me for being "strong" and/or "understanding" when he does things that he knows hurt me

"A man who has his emotional act together and is wild about you WILL WANT TO MAKE YOU HAPPY. It will bring him pleasure. Just as hurting you will make him feel like shite, and he'll try to figure out how to stop doing it! He'll also want you to feel as special and valued as you make him feel. He'll be willing to take risks for your love. He'll want to share himself and his life with you. And he'll let the world know that you are his. When a man loves you like this, you feel it .”

So, after figuring all that out. I knew I can't feel the love from him. He did care. He did concern. But that isn't match the love definition.

I knew I shall walk out from the fantasy. I had no more love to give. I can't be hoping. I knew I need to let go...... Good Bye My Love .....

Don't be selfish in saying I LOVE YOU

2007-10-18T14:39:00.000-12:00

Something to share which touched me. A true and real fact....

EVERY relationship has a cycle. In the beginning, you fell in love with your partner. You anticipated their call, wanted their touch, and liked their idiosyncrasies. Falling in love with your partner wasn't hard. In fact, it was a completely natural and spontaneous experience. You didn't have to DO anything. That's why it's called 'falling' in love... Because it's happening TO YOU.

People in love sometimes say, 'I was swept of my feet.' Think about the imagery of that expression. It implies that you were just standing there; doing nothing, and then something came along and happened TO YOU.Falling in love is easy. It's a passive and spontaneous experience.

But after a few years of togetherness, the euphoria of love fades. It's the natural cycle of EVERY relationship. Slowly but surely, phone calls become a bother (if they come at all), touch is not always welcome (when it happens), and your partner's idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute, drive you nuts.The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship, but if you think about your relationship, you will notice a dramatic difference between the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage.

At this point, you and/or your partner might start asking, 'Did I tag along with the right person?' And as you and your partner reflect on the euphoria of the love you once had, you may begin to desire that experience with someone else. This is when relationship breakdown.

People blame their partner for their unhappiness and look outside their relationship for fulfillment.Extramarital fulfillment comes in all shapes and sizes. Infidelity is the most obvious. But sometimes people turn to work, a hobby, a friendship, excessive TV, or abusive substances.But the answer to this dilemma does NOT lie outside your relationship. It lies within it. I'm not saying that you couldn't fall in love with someone else. You could. And TEMPORARILY you'd feel better. But you'd be in the same situation a few years later.

Because :

THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN RELATIONSHIP IS NOT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON; IT'S LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FOUND.

SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous experience. It'll NEVER just happen to you. You can't 'find' LASTING love. You have to 'make' it day in and day out. And most importantly, it takes WISDOM. You have to know WHAT TO DO to make your relationship work.Make no mistake about it. Love is NOT a mystery. If you know and apply the laws, the results are predictable... you can 'make' love.

So, show your love to your love ones today. Tell them how much you love them and appreciate them.

I LOVE EVERYONE THAT LOVES ME. I LOVE YOU ALL !

My ex-hubby

2007-10-08T16:20:00.000-12:00

Lately, I had pillow talk with my "ex-hubby". A old fren from uni. A good friend of mine.

He used to be my guardian during my internship as buddy was away to Germany. He used to be my good companion for shopping during uni time. He used to be my good house-keeper for ironing my cloths. A good cleaner for doing housework for me. A good cook for preparing me good food. Taking good care of me always :).

I always turned him away. I always bully him. I am a bad bad gal. BUT still, he is still nice to me. Haha... We are always mistaken as an item and some frens like to scold us for being too "intimate".

Haha... who cares?! I knew i will be terribly safe with him. We get closer these days. Knew him better. I hope I can guide him through. To have freedom in his heart. To knew himself better.

I love the way he loves me. Hurray! Another pillow by my side............

All the best, my dear!

Answer: Why Love is Blind

2007-09-19T15:23:00.000-12:00

Ehhhem.... answer for Why Love is Blind?

A long long time ago, before the world was created and humans could set foot on it, virtues and vices floated around, not quite knowing what to do. One day, all of them were gathered together and Ingenious came up with an idea playing "hide-and-seek". Everyone like the idea and immediately, Madness shouted "I want to count, I want to coun

Since nobody was crazy enough to want to seek Madness, all the other agreed. Madness leaned against a tree and started counting. As Madness counted, the vices and vitures ran off to look for places in which to hide.

Madness continued to shout out: "...79,80,..." By then, all the others were well hidden except for Love. Fickle as Love is, he could not decide where to hide. and this should nto surprise us, because we all know how difficult it is to hide Love.

Just when Madness got to 100, Love jumped into a rose bush. Madness turned around and shouted "I'm coming! I'm coming!"

Laziness was the first to be found as he did not have the energy to hide. Then Madness spotted Tenderness in the horn of the moon, Lie at the bottom of the lake and passion at the centre of the earth.

One by one, Madness found them all, except for Love.He was getting desprate. Envious of Love, Envy whispered to Madness "He is in the rose bush". Madness grabbed a wooden pitch fork and stabbed wildly at the bush. He jabbed and stabbed until a heartbreaking cry made him stop.

Love appreared from the bush, with both hands covering his face. Blood oozed from his eyes and trickled down his fingers. Madness had stabbed out Love's eyes with his pitch fork.

"What have I done?! What have I done?!" Madness screamed. " I have blinded you! How can I repair the damage?" Love answer "You cannot repair my eyes. But if you really want to do something for me, you can be my guide."

And so it came about that from that day on, Love is blind and is always accompanied by Madness.

Okay... that's the answer. So... what do you think ? :)

Why Love is Blind?

2007-09-17T15:00:00.000-12:00

Why love is blind?

Anyone can give me the answer? (Before I told you mine :P)

A bridge away like thousand miles

2007-09-14T23:23:00.000-12:00

My dear got an offer to be abroad. Yeah, abroad. Not said too far away but it isn't near either. Permanently. At least for 3 years he set that. Told him I felt sad to hear that. Told him my worries. He took that slamba je. "Haiya....only a bridge away, still contactable through emails ma."

Is a good chance for him to learn and experience. I knew that. Other than that, really didn't see much. He is not happy with the current job. So, I will upport. Though hard for me to let go.. But I shall learn to. Will be less contact. Will be lesser calls and emails. That will be a definate that I can predict. No promises.

My heart is pain.. I am learning to let go...

Fag Hag

2007-09-13T15:52:00.000-12:00

When I was back from Europe a month ago, had a small gathering with an old friend, Sista A which apparently a old uni-mate. Such a small world!

Sista A passed a cool comment: "You are such a good fag-hag." "You are so lucky than any PLU for seeing and experiencing things that we adore for!"

Yeah... I felt blessed as well. And can I admit that I'm a good fag-hag. Haha.... I assume I'm, at least. I felt comfortable with my PLU friends. I felt that they are more understanding and even caring and loving than many other straight guys. Those people that I met are super nice people. There are lots around me and I am just comfortable with it. But, can you all leave some good one for me ar??? :P

The magnetic field for PLU are stronger and people around me also start getting the sense of that. We didn't discriminate nor had prejudis against any of them. I hope other also won't.

Bear in mind : Ich bin Ich (I'm who I'm). You all are the best!!

A good start and A bad ending

2007-09-11T16:00:00.000-12:00

A new job. New environment. New start. Work is ok and will do my best. Thanks my beloved for giving me "lai si" :) . First time i got that in my life for my work. Hmm... a good one. A good start.

However my heart still heavy - for buddy and for myself. Something that I must let go.... buddy and beloved advised. They do not want me to suffer. I knew that...

But... why there is still a but, heh? I can't answer that. My heart is blinded. I have to learn to let go. I told myself. Give me some time. And the time is just near i knew. Should I ask? Should I keep silent? I do not know. I just observed and waited. And the disappointment is just getting deeper and deeper. Is time for me to let go.....

EXPLOSION

2007-09-06T16:52:00.000-12:00

There is a Chinese saying “paper can’t wrap fire”. Finally, the explosion came! Unexpectedly. I had prepared for that. I had ready for that. I am ready to bear the responsibilities and I didn’t regret for everything. But.. I just didn’t expect for the inaccuracies and half-truth plus the added “garam cuka” from other parties. I had been careless. I felt sorry and guilty for that. I am angry and disappointed as well. I felt upset and worried in the meantime for him to blame me. I hope and pray for the less harm to him.

Many unnecessary people got involved. Many stories were created and finger pointing. Phone ringing non-stop and driving around up and down for more than 12 hours. Sorry to get beloved involved. Felt bad for him as he is really busy and tired. We do not want the conditions to become worst. We tried to get clarification. But, some people just hide themselves in the shell. Scolding back badly to hide their guilt and wrong did. We didn’t confront. We had no energy for that anymore. I felt really disappointed and sad. I had to let go finally. Seeing another side of one person. Different prospect. Different thinking. From concern to care and finally to revenge. Is that a consequence from “un-return” love? I do not know why. I can’t think more.

I was scolded badly from him finally. However, I am glad he does understand. I am glad he still loves me very much as his friend. I felt the warmth and care. I felt the bond for the friendship among 3 of us. I get the strength there. Few close friends were deeply concern and uphold me when I need them. Without that, I might totally collapse.

Things finally come to an end when I had to raise my voice first time in my life to elderly. I felt bad but I just had to. Too hard for me to take anymore. We are younger than those more “powerful” and “aged” people but doesn’t mean that we do not have brain. I can’t say I am very good and mature. But, I learnt and growth in life.

I still continue walking. With the accompany of buddy and beloved… I do believe we will be fine. With the love and understanding among us.. the bond gets stronger. We will shine… We will grow… We believe we will… God bless.

SANE IN L.O.V.E

2007-09-05T21:07:00.001-12:00

Many people loose their “clear” and “consciousness” mind when getting involve with L.O.V.E. We always hope for fantasy and perfection. We always put hope in it. We put in our efforts and giving out love, to make things work. We thought that we do not hope for any return but eventually we did. We hope for the return of love; not a materialistic stuffs or valuable things. Just a simple hug and care, a sms or a simple warmth address already can make us fly up high.

But… do you think that we can keep giving? One day we might get “dried-up”. We will be tired as more disappointment when we do put in more hope. We might not be the priority in someone life. He/She might concern about you but you might be only one of the very small parts of his/her life. Only getting minimal reach out and love from the one we really love and care for. Is that what we want? Can we accept that?

Love is something that you can’t calculate how much you give, how much you gain. We can just do as much as we can to love. Our love might not be returned. No significant effort and promise. We can just choose to hold or let go in a relationship. Is not easy to find someone and give out our love. We might only get once chance in life.

Nobody knows the outcome in any relationship. Only HE knew. We shall just appreciate NOW and hope for THEN. Just bear in mind we must be sane; when to hold, when to let go. Life still has to go on. I pray for the best.

TOUCH

2007-08-30T11:31:00.000-12:00

Touch – a way of showing concern.
Touch – a way of showing sincerity.
Touch – a way of showing love.

For me, touch can be the above.(But beware that it also can turn out to be molest :P). It depends who is the provider and meaning that it carries. For me, I won’t be hesitating in showing mine to my love ones.

Beloved pat me on shoulder when I felt a bit down the other day. It comforts lots. I felt the warmth and love that he gave. I do missed buddy as well. Kisses and hugs from him always cheer me up. I think mine also will affirm him that I do really care and love for him. Playful touch to my dear will tense him up . Lying on his shoulder when I need comfort really makes me want to thank and love him more.

Do not hesitate to show your love to your love ones today! A simple touch means a thousand!

Out of Work

2007-08-30T11:30:00.000-12:00

Been jobless for few days as I had tendered my resignation letter earlier on and get earlier release (of course my penny-pinching boss was asking me to take unpaid leave). A shocking day for me. Shocking in the sense that I still holding some projects and the deadline was just 2 days after. But, anyhow, is his decision, I had enough said. I can take a break before my new offer comes in :P.

Learnt really a lot in this job. Learn more about people. Learnt about friendship. Learnt about life. I gained. I did also loose in certain ways. The consequence is high to bear. I felt upset. But I can’t do anything much. Different perceptions. Different directions. We need to go to our own ways. May be we will meet one day. But definitely the friendship is fading……

SMILE

2007-08-23T13:09:00.000-12:00

A friend of mine asked me recently:

“Why I can’t see your smile anymore on your face?”
“My heart is sick. That’s why I can’t smile.” I told him that.
“Let me check and cure it” he offered.

I chuckled. Thanks dude but I just have to live with it, at this moment.

Smile… a sign of joy and happiness. Smile… is from the heart.

When we grow up, problems keep flushing in to our life. We have to carry the cross and all the responsibilities with us. That's make us grow. That's take away our happiness. A little thing can make me feel blessed these days because I start to appreciate what I had in my life. A little action can make me feel touched. A little thing means a thousand.

I hope I can smile from my heart again, one day...

Three musketeers --- BELOVED, BUDDY and ME

2007-08-17T09:00:00.000-12:00

A little girl passed me a comment when beloved and I were in a charity breakfast sales at church last week.

"You both very good "kam ching" ar!"
" Yes girl, we are. Any prob?"
"No ar... seldom see boys and girls so good ma"

I encounter lots of this comment from time to time. People seems like can't accept that boys and girls can be good friend. From a young girl to an old woman. They will give this kind of comment.

I can say myself is open-minded enough to certain kind of level. I can go out in pair with a close male friend and there won’t be any “chemical reaction” between us. I can even stay in a room with a really close male friend which I knew that I am “safe” with him. Many things that I can accept to a certain point but for others point of view they might think that I am a slut.

For my relationship with my really close ones, is really special from others. Won't be any chemical reactions :P. Buddy, beloved and I are best friends for years and we are getting closer and closer. Bond ties between us are strong enough to bind us together. We tend to drift apart with our own ‘secrets’ but when the times came, we shared and we are now even closer. I felt so regret when we tend to kept ourselves out from each other with those “secrets” and going to our own way. When we really knew the real us, time seems like too short for the friendship. My I heart is pain to see the sad truth. I can’t take that but I have to learn. I learnt to accept. I do not know what will it be when the time really come. I do not know what will happen, what I will do, what can I do. But I just been 'ordered' that I must be strong enough to face all that. I hope I can keep to my words.

That’s the love that growth in this special friendship. That’s the love among us. A special and precious friendship which make me the happiest person. A unique one that makes me grows and shine. I love you guys very much for giving me all this.

A Bad day on the first day of Ghost festival

2007-08-16T17:30:00.000-12:00

Everything will be going back to a slow down... from running up and down: Damansara-Serdang, UM-Serdang, Brickfields-Serdang...etc. I suppose will be cooling down for a while.

Sometimes, things just happened. My hard disk crashed,car broke down, frustration at work all happened in a day. The first day of Ghost festival. A really bad one. I realised that i just can laugh with tears when all that happened. I think I am too tired facing all kind of "accidents". My tears falled when I thought i cant retrieve all my data from the hard disk that gave by buddy which is already 3 years old. All my great memories and important data were inside it. Thank God for me to save it out at least for the data that is important for me. Then, it died.

I lost control when my tyre burst when i am driving. Luckily there was a turning and I had slow down from 120km/j in a highway to only 60 km/j in the place where the accident happened. I had to drive all the way to get to the mechanic when i cant find any petrol station with a functional air pump.

A really bad day but I had gone through it. I hope for a better tommorrow.

UP to the HILL -- DAY 2

2007-08-03T08:20:00.000-12:00

With the tiredness and worries, I woke up early and prepared to have breakfast with C3's God father. When we reached there, he was already there just started to have his meal before going to work. We ended up till around 845am as C3 is famous among those auntie auntie. They can have his the whole day telling stories and chatting. He is patience enough for all that.

After the breakfast, we check-out and heading to ROSE GARDEN. Hmm... We walked in just like that without paying for the entrance fee as C3's god mom is really close with the owner of the garden. Hmm....A bit pai seh. Like eat without paying. :P

Snapping photos here and there before headed to cactus farm for my dear to grab some cactus for his "snoopy(s)". Oh ya... bought some sun flowers which is really nice and blooming. cheap though but dear paid for that. Hehe...

We said good bye to C3's God mom and headed for lunch and going down to the hill. Hmm... 2 piggy slept and left me accompanying C3. But... I was too tired and fall asleep for about 15 mins before we reached to a really nice waterfall. Wow... the water is cooling and the air is so fresh. Spend around 20 mins there before we headed to a "hot spring" spot. C3 brought me there to let my legs having a nice pampered in the water for blood circulation. However, we need to depart after receiving a call from my uncle.

We reached around evening to my uncle's place. Spend about an hour there and went off to have our dinner. Able to grab some noodle for grandma nearby before we reached home. Huh... really tiring. more in my mind and heart rather physically. But.. I do enjoy and appreciate lots.

Really hoping for another trip. And I hope with more relaxing and less burden in mind.

HOPE AND PRAY

2007-08-02T19:48:00.000-12:00

I’m back for about 2 weeks but time passed by like really slow and it was like a decade. Two weekends were occupied with holidays and now things getting to slow down back to normal. Hmm… I can’t say is normal. I can’t say is not. Too many things happened and now I was like a lost child. My mind is full. Now, I let go some of my problems but my mind won’t rest for others. I am sleepless in the night. My heart is painful. My breath is unstable. Did HE hear my prayer? Did HE love and care of him? No answers. No reply. I am receiving pressure. I can only convince them. I need to lie to comfort. As.. everything is un-answerable. I can only PRAY and HOPE…

UP to the HILL -- DAY 1

2007-08-02T13:50:00.000-12:00

Middle in the blues.... manage to have some fun in SG with beloved and friends. Not going to blog in details as he will blog about it. Conclusion is really an enjoyable trip but still with some doubt and worries whether my mission which accomplished in SG will be received by buddy or not.

A week later, been up to Cameron Highland with dear, HP and C3. C3 is the one driving us up all the way up to the hill. He planned all this for me and HP. Such a lovely guy. We departed at 6am and stopped at Ipoh for the famous "dim sum".. Hmm... for me is like so so... can't complaint. :)

On the way up hill, visited a tomato packaging factory but is off operation on Sat. Heading up to the fill for lunch with his god parent. Weather not so chilling as told. May be I am still not use to the hot weather here. Visited strawberry farm, tea farm, waterchest farm. Having great time relaxing.

Managed to get back to the rented apartment before the rain poured. Prepared food for steamboat at night. Enjoyed the fresh vege and a dish to share about is the "ba li tong" (hokkien). Sucked the shell's snails meat until my tounge became painful and cut by the sharp edges. Hmm... I think I was using the wrong technique as C3 and dear seems dont having that problem. C3's god father just joke that u knew how u eat this, then u will know how to french kiss. haha... Then i start wonder, my technique of eating should be right ma, using the tounge. Hmm.... i doubt i doubt :P.

After the makan makan, C3 given out presents to his god parent and all the siblings. Nice seeing them with the smile and appreciation on their face. Hard to see couple that is still loving after more than 15 yrs of marriage. Really envy them for a loving happy family.After they left, I suggested for a night walk nearby. Hmm... a quite town. No more activities after 11pm. Sienz...

After the walk, everyone was tired and headed to rest. My night was sleepless with the sudden attack. I felt the stress and tiredness. My dear just accompanying me without saying a word. I knew he is worrying and care. I am just too tired and sad to say any words. Is lovely to have the companionship. Really appreciate and love him more.

Heart Dying.....

2007-07-30T17:38:00.000-12:00

Been going through some really hard times these days... one after another... Some still remain unsolved, new one still pumping in...

Some involving those that I won't care less and I won't let go...
Sad to say that I have to put it aside. To monitor and to wait for the right time. I am drowning.

I am letting go some.. some that I can let go. Some that I can and I will when my heart is totally closed for them. I felt relieve. I could not take more words or the cruel actions.

Some, just coming in like earthquake. No signal. No alarm. I broke down. I can't say out a word. My tears just keep falling for worrying and sadness.
Pain to see and feel. I never get any rest in mind for very long time. And I knew, not easy to get it rested again as too many things is happening and that's the reality of life.

My tears fall in the night. Thinking of those that I care and love. I couldn't answer why I need to go through all these when I was asked. May be this is a test from HIM that he wants me to go through. But frankly the consequences is too heavy to carry with...

Blessed that I am not alone... Blessed that beloved, dear and others are with me.. I love them for their love and care. But I felt the sky is no longer bright... is always cloudy... just awaiting for the rain to pour....

STRESS VIRUS

2007-07-26T15:30:00.000-12:00

When I was back from Europe, my dear picked me up. I noticed that he was like tired and stress with works. Two days later, I went over to pick my beloved to work. He was even worst. He was getting "lesu" and "layu" though it was just early in the morning. Felt "sakit hati" to see his condition. I can't help him up. Just hope the conditions won't be getting any worst.

Just for 2 months, most of my loves one were in bad conditions. Is just like a virus. Spreading and eating up our mind, energy and soul. Everyone of us are carrying our own cross. We are there to support and care for each others in difficulties. We still have to bear and stay with the pain by ourself. You won't know exactly how it feels when you were really in it. Not easy to understand. Not easy to walk alone. Luckily we have each other and love ones to support, to care and to love.

Hope life will be better. Hopefully everyone will be stronger to face all the problems and tests. Let's pray for it....

Another attack!

2007-07-26T09:37:00.000-12:00

Another attack yesterday...
Many unsolve still left behind and yet I was hurt again...
I wonder HE is giving me so much... am I strong enough to take it anymore?
My tears fall when I am in front of the alter..
My hope, my prayer to HIM, I asked HIM to take care of the one I love.
I no longer can reach out for him. I did my best.
My care for him is more than to myself.
But why he makes me worry?

I've been living with plenty these days and things are getting harder and harder....
Too hard to take...
I can't see any of the people that I love in pain or suffer.
I felt that strongly in me as well.
I love them too much and so do they.

Beloved advice me to let go, to build up sheild to protect myself.
Start to care and selfish for myself.
I have to learn. I have to ...
I knew he really worry.

Love.. is never from family.
But I gain more from buddy, beloved and few others.
I felt blessed for that.
But, I do hope from them... that's why I can feel the pain.

Crying on my dear's shoulder..
Tears falled uncontrol by just seeing the text.
I totally break down.
I said nothing. I just can't ...

I hope I can let go.
I hope I can be strong.
I hope.

PAPRIKA

2007-07-23T11:51:00.000-12:00

Paprika... First thought in my mind when beloved told me we are going to watch this with KH was --- A capsicum japanese anime?! Paprika.. for me is sort of Capsicum/Chili. I knew this when i was abroad in Europe. So... I just said"hmmm... ok.." We are going for a capsicum anime.. Kindda stupid thinking.. but... who cares.. As long as I was invited for a movie. Haha... I miss movie lots. For at least two months didn't step into a cinema. My dear and his fren ffk me. They watched the Transformer without me. So, I'm kind of "merajuk", dont wanna go even they asked to watch it once again. I am an evil.

So, Paprika... I sat in the cinema... Eh....No capsicum...? But turned out to be a cute pretty Japanese girl--- a young female therapist that can stop the crime when a machine that allows therapists to enter their patient's dreams is stolen, all hell breaks loose. Nice music. Interesting and nice movie. I love that lots!

Hmmm......is a anime but I still covered my head with the sweater when I saw those horrible, scary dolls' faces. I am afraid of those since young. Haha... you can laugh at me... That's me. No doubt. So, hehe... no barbie dolls for me pls :)

First time in lion city for a movie, first time for a anime, first time being treated for an anime... at least it filled my mind for a while to let me enjoy my time off. Thanks KH and my beloved for that... For treating me and allowing me to be there :P .. Haha..

JUST ON THE OUTSIDE

2007-07-21T03:43:00.000-12:00

A life of secret anguish…held captive within.

Suffering in silence, on the outside…I smile again.

A life of hidden pain…chained shackles within.
Crying while alone, on the outside…I smile again.

A life of silent worry…trapped desires within.
Praying in private, on the outside…I smile again.

A life of undisclosed grief…confined safely within.
Bearing isolated burdens, on the outside…I smile again.

A life of abandoned hope…solitary isolated within.
Buried dreams deserted, on the outside…I smile again.

Heartily Hurt

2007-07-16T12:54:00.001-12:00

I am hurt deeply.
I still hope. That's why I am sad....
My tears keep flowing...
My mind is too complex...too many things happened at one time..
My heart is pain...
I can't breath...
Sleepless nights...

Sunk Boat

2007-07-04T21:11:00.000-12:00

Another speechless day.
Too emotional.
Not easy to handle.
Plan cancelled.
No sign.
No explanation.
I go on with my best.
Cleaning.
Serving.
Hidden tense, worries and tears.
I handled well.
I am tired …..
I become weaker …..
I am helpless …..

Trauma

2007-07-03T22:20:00.000-12:00

Woke up by severe pain. Medicine not working well again. Oh, I fall asleep just right after dinner. The sky is still bright but the night is too quiet. Just the sound of breathing. I can't get to sleep again. I try to empty up my mind but as usual, I fail to do so. My mind is fresh with the news I read 2 hours back.

"5 years old girl was raped by a stranger and she speak no words or tears after the incident when the family found her after 10+ hours"

The poor little girl is in trauma. She is having a terribly big shock in her life. Her lower body was covered with blood. Her eyes were big opened. She is helpless. She was sent to hospital and psychological treatments will be given soon.

Trauma.. not easy to cure. Not easy to handle either. Phychological treatment, I doubt how much it can help. She definately will has this with her for the whole life. How can these rapiest be so cruel? She is just 5. And this gonna affect her whole life! She can't forget. She can't wipe it off. She will feel scared, the pain. No way to escape. No way to pour out. Words and tears, help not much. No matter what, will be for her to carry these bad memories by herself, helplessly and painfully in her life.

My heart is pain seeing this. Too hard to bear. Too painful to carry....

Growing Old

2007-07-03T17:32:00.000-12:00

Time to leave is near.. I still worry but nothing can be done. He hope that I carry with me just all the sweet and good memories. But, I knew I will be carrying with me more worries and sadness. A question thrown to me that day:

"Do you afraid of death?"

No. I didn't. We do not need to worry anymore if we die but those who loves us will be more suffering. I hope my message was well delivered through my words. My worries. My sadness. The journey planted in some good memories, but it also taking away my happiness. Is it good, is it not? I don't know. But I knew I am growing "old".... I learnt too much...too fast...Not easy... I try to control my tears but it falls... again :''(

Trip to Berlin

2007-07-02T10:56:00.000-12:00

Berlin Day 1

Reached Berlin quite late around 1030pm. Headed to buddy's friend place for one night stay. Had Indian cuisine. Back home and refreshed. Then get to Disco for my very first time. Enjoy much but got "heart attack". I had many of my "first time" experiences tonight. Very unforgettable experiences.

Berlin Day 2

Woke up quite early. Ate a very crispy and hot croissant which buddy queue for quite sometime to get that :). Then, we went out for morning walk at nearby neighbourhood. Get to a morning market, park, bookstore, pharmacy, cultury brewery,church of Mary, before buddy went for his haircut. Then we get to check in to another hotel, dressed up and go for Japanese Food before we join the parade. Went to a park Kollvit Square for some greenery and fresh air. After the parade, we went for sightseeing at posydamer platz where the sony centre is located. Nice and modern design. Dinner in a Vietnamese Restaurant and back home to zzz.

Berlin Day 3
Started the day quite early about 10am. Bought some fruits for breakfast. Took train to visit an old destroyed church during WWII-- Kaiser-Wilheim-Gedachtniskirche. Ate a curry wurst (sausage). Then took bus for sightseeing. Passed by zoo, embassy before we got down at the Parliment and parliment office. We then went for photography sessions at Brandenburg Gate, Hotel Adlon, Jewish square, Berlin Wall, Beliner Dom, Altes Museum, French and German Cathedral, Cultural House, Neue Wache, Old National Gallery, Opera House, Museum of German History, Pergamon Museum and Bode Museum. We ended up the trip at a Italian Restaurant before we checked out at about 5pm. Reached home by car-pooling abt 2am. Quite a rush but enjoyable day!

Relationship

2007-07-01T20:00:00.000-12:00

Relationship is a particular type of connection between two people. I always thought that it is a special kind of feelings towards the one you love, to love, care, trust, to be together in good or bad times. The one that you can pour everything and share your joy and sadness. To grow old together, loving each other till the end of life..

But, recently.. I found that relationship sucks. I am not going through any but I had seen it through. I start having doubt. I start to wonder there aren't any good ending like what happen in fairy tales. We need to face the reality. We will love someone with our whole heart but we will not necessary get any return. If you are loving each other at that moment, there are no guarantee that it will last forever. You will be loyal to the relationship, but how about the other half? Too many tempatation, too many sad ending.

I never encounter any good one in my life. I believe there will have. But now.. I really doubt. My heart is closing ....

CSD Berlin 2007

2007-07-01T19:00:00.000-12:00

Manage to catch the Christopher Street Day (CSD) in Berlin. It is the end of Pride week. The big parade on the last Saturday of Pride week will follow a route from the Kurfurstendamm to the Siegesäule. Almost the whole Berlin is celebrating this parade.

Big crowd. Eye opening. Fun. Experience.

I enjoyed it! :)

Work and Stress

2007-06-28T22:05:00.000-12:00

These days, most of the people that I really care and love are under stress from work particularly. Overtime, deadlines, productivity etc… Urrgghh… I can’t help much, just hope things can resolved soon. I seen the outcome from “over-stressed”. I couldn't take it anymore. Is scary and sad to see that. I am worry.

I am on leave. But still, I worked till my phone was being barred for about 2 weeks ago. Then, I start receiving calls to my personal phone. I answered once then I decided not to answer any from then. Is bloody expensive and I had to pay for it. I emailed office to ask them to settle the bill, but they said they are processing it. Finance Manager resign. Bla bla bla..

I felt the stress from my work though I am on holidays. I felt the stress from colleagues and works. Sometimes I thought is my own problem but when lots of incidents happened before I left, I start to understand something. I felt sad at first but relieve after pouring to my beloved. I am letting go. I felt happier. I hope the stress that I am going to ‘inhale’ when I back then isn’t too much. I hope I can cope well. I will try not to take buddy’s offer. I knew he cares and worry. Is too sweet and warmth that he always there to offer but I will be strong to go through that.

I knew I will have more to take from different areas which are more sickening when I am back. I am tired. Really tired. But I knew my beloved and dear friends will be there for me, giving strength and cares. We are there for each others. That's what friends for... I will hang in there…. At least I will try...

New Companionship

2007-06-28T21:30:00.000-12:00

Recently, I got another 2 new 'toy' from buddy -- an elk and a rainbow doggie. I didn't feel excited and happy seeing them. But...I felt sad.

He do not want any accompany with him anymore. He will be lonely. He felt empty. I felt his loneliness.

I am really sad to see that. I told him the truth. He asked me to take them with me. I will be a good 'baby sitter'. If one day he needs them back, I can send them to him. I will take care of them. Awaiting you to claim it back ya.. I hope the day will come.

P/S: God, are you there to listen? I start to wonder. Your child is crying and lost.

Alcohol.. Bad Sex?!

2007-06-28T21:00:00.000-12:00

I am having beer when blogging. Sore throat. So feel like taking this Mat Salleh 'Leong Cha'. I hope it works. I should blog about my trip to Berlin, about the CSD, but...I havent get those photo arranged well as I am tired. When I am drinking, suddenly thought of this...Buddy told me quite often when we have our drinks.

"When you are drinking and cheers, you must look into each other eyes, or else you will have bad sex for 7 years!"

Believe it or not? I do not know the answer. You are the one suppose to tell me. Hehe... Anyone knows the answer? Tell me. Tell me. Keen to know :P

I am consider an alcoholic. I can drink lots. But suprisingly I only took 2 bottle of beers, 1 bottle of red and white wine each, 2 cocktails for this 2 months though alcohol is damn cheap over here. Buddy keep tempting me to get the alcohol but I just not. When I about the order/buy drinks, I will think of mumbling and advice from my dear and my beloved. So, I will order some other non-alcohol drinks. I drink only occasionally here when I need them such as for now to sooth my throat and when I am down. Heh... I think I am really "gila" liao.. how can I resist that?! I think I should get a bottle back home then :P. Please remind me to look into ur eyes when u are drinking with me. I am quite forgetful and I am not taking any risk. Hahaha.... :P

I wonder I am sick?

2007-06-27T18:09:00.000-12:00

I feel very cold lately. My whole body ache. I had to hide under the blanket. I closed all the window. But I still feel cold. I thought the weather is cold outside. I thought it is normal that my whole body ache at this time. I thought that I am dizzy as I do not have enough sleep.

But today, I saw many children were playing in the playground outdoor. Some even wearing singlet. Today is sunny day. But I still feel cold and the ache still never less though I had the pain killer. I just realised that my forehead are a bit warm and my feet and hands are cold. My head is heavy as well. I am wearing 3 layers of cloths and sweater even socks but I still feel cold. I think I am having fever liao...

Bad Mood

2007-06-26T23:00:00.000-12:00

When we are in bad mood.....

We tends to say something that is opposite of our thinking.
We tend not to express our very true feelings.
We tend to use harsh and cruel words to hurt.
We tend to keep our self away from the one that we really love.
We can’t think, talk, and act wisely.
Both parties will get hurt and sad.

Best solution is :

Stay cool and calm
Talk it over
Share the feelings
Forgive and forget

Distance in heart will be closer. Tomorrow will be better :)

Bad Luck

2007-06-26T22:30:00.000-12:00

All these years, bad things will happen to me unexpectedly. People will think that is ridiculous until they saw it and experience those themselves with me.

After the stupid euro line “fly kite”, this round was the car driver. We booked a car pooling plan to Berlin. Actually buddy had arranged and confirmed with him 2 weeks before we departed. The fellow said ok, no problem. We called him again a day before, but to his voice mail box. So, buddy left him a message as we were busy in the lab. On the day itself, buddy called again, this time, nobody picked up the calls. We called and called and waited for an hour plus.

We finally gave up. We took the train and paying 4X plus extra fare. And the train was very full due to the CSD celebration in Berlin. Crowded. After 30 mins later, got a place, but not for our ticket. They have the stupid category system. Finally Buddy got me a place, he let me had that as I was sleepy and not feeling well. He had to sit on the floor for about an hour plus before got another seat. Pity him. He made a remark that he never encounters all these “FFK” case here all this while. I am the first one that made him “involved” in all these.

Huh… bad luck…heh?

My Little Cutties...

2007-06-26T22:10:00.000-12:00

These are all my new toys, gifts from buddy... to accompany me when i am back then..

The bear bear will have sound hor...
The white polar bear is famous in germany...
The sheep is a key chain...
The worm is a collection from buddy...
The hanging moo moo is another collection from buddy...

My beloved, saw them all? Hehe... these are all I got here. Finally I blog them here. You won't 'cincang' them kan? Actually there is another big big one, buddy ask to get as it is 50% off --- still around 15 Euro. But I didn't. Hehe... I am such a good girl right? :P

It's Complicated

2007-06-20T20:10:00.000-12:00

Complicated feelings and emotion raise inside me now. I need to struggle it through alone. I do not how to handle. I am not professional enough to handle it. I am just a normal human.

I am scared. I am worried. I am sad. I am stress. And still I am..

Will he be stronger? Will he be brave? Will he be better ?

I don't know. Nobody knows. I can just pray and hope. I felt helpless. I can only hide to watch and observe. Hide my tears under the blanket. I need a hug and comfort to pour out my tense and worries. My heart is painful seeing it through. I hope I can be stronger to give him the strength and love.

A WALK TO REMEMBER

a year had gone by

Being hurt

Deep thought

i wish

Unbearable

2010

Silent pain

lube .... OH NO!!

My Diet Menu after the Op

My BIG Day

vday 2009

disappointment

bad condition

little hope for 2009

Terribly Loosing Confident

More problems Post Op

My painful experience

A Birthday Dedication to DEAR

Zzzz-less

If

Little wish

小小的祈祷

Little love means A LOT

Inner feelings

Heart Beat

Some one that I love

Life

当你孤单，会想起什么呢？

Trauma and No Treatment

Sad days

Bitch-ing

STRESS

Don't be afraid to Fall in Love Again!

Unlucky ME

Dilemma

Learn to Say ............

Realized

Friend OR Lover ?

A lesson to learn

When Love Turns to Pain

MY BIG day Celebration

Triple malang

HARI yang MALANG X2

Hari yang MALANG

Childhood

From the bottom of my heart

10 years

Choosing the PERFECT path

Bancian........... BRA

Loneliness

Memories are harder to forget

Research : RESULT

Research : Undies...

Insomnia

Year of Mice -- 2008

Year 2007 --- Reflect and Review

The time is near................

2nd Day - SG Trip

SG day 1

Business Trip

A new start --- New toy, New Life

End of the Chapter

I'm in LOVE and I “Broke up” at the SAME TIME

Don't be selfish in saying I LOVE YOU

My ex-hubby

Answer: Why Love is Blind

Why Love is Blind?

A bridge away like thousand miles

Fag Hag

A good start and A bad ending

EXPLOSION

SANE IN L.O.V.E

TOUCH

Out of Work

SMILE

Three musketeers --- BELOVED, BUDDY and ME

A Bad day on the first day of Ghost festival

UP to the HILL -- DAY 2

HOPE AND PRAY