a year had gone by

A hectic 2010 and 2011 started isn’t too well. Lots of problems, lots of challenge…

2010.. a year to remember.. a year of growing…a year of love

2011.. cant expect much.. just hope things goes well for all my loves one.. I never expect much…

I am worry..I felt scare and lonely.. I just had to go through all these..

Being hurt

Being hurt by someone you truly care about leaves a hole in your heart that only love can fill….

Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go. Today, the one I truly care about leaves me some harsh words; words that cause me could not sleep well. My head was spinning and tired. Walking, working, barely breathing
my thoughts, far away. Heart aching, mind racing. Sleep does not come easily, nor last long….. I feel the pain deeply….

Deep thought

I sat alone another day.
The world was moving all around me,
but it seemed as if my life was in a standstill.

There is too much fear inside.
I can't answer to it
The anxiety even controls that.

Everyone walking around me, but I can't move, the
apprehension paralyzes me.
My heart beats faster and faster.
I can feel it in my chest.

Beads of sweat
Racing
Falling
Running down my forehead.
All the thoughts swarm in my brain.
The fear picks up.
It is unbearable.
I'm so frightened, but I don't know what of.
The paranoia sweeps over my body like a giant wave.

Hope Pray Win
That's the only thing I can do now...

i wish

I wish I could go for a holiday now
with the one I love and care
to escape from all problems
to rest my mind
the pain is there
I dont want to think now....

Unbearable

Today is the longest day. A tiring day. My head is heavy and still heavy.

Every complication is a challenge.

I give support. I give love

I’m tired

Tired of all these

Tired of ignorance and fight
Tired of living

I can't breathe
It feels like I'm suffocating
I get scared
I get tired

Tired of not being able to hold on
Hold on to life
To sanity
To happiness
For even one second of the day

Yes I’ve seen a lot of pain
Just couldn’t stand the sight
Didn’t dare to spell it
Fearing it will bring more

I hope I can just had to run away

Unbearable

2010

Today… for the ending of year 2010… I was in the mood of blogging to express my inner feelings about life….

I am not old but more mature than most adults; smarter that most adults. I don’t have choice. I learnt to live with it. I don’t want to carry this burden. I am collapsing under my insecurity; crushed by my past, my present, and my future. For I know what lies ahead in this life: sorrow, misery, grief. No one knows this more than I, though people claim I’m too young to fully grasp what life has to offer. I have life pinned down in its fatal position, screaming its ugly truths to me in terror. I soak it all in. I learn from it.

I can tolerate when others hurt me. I can go on life picking up pieces by pieces with the great help and support from DEAR, Dearest and others. There is joy in my life, blessing of having beloved DEAR and Dearest (far away in Germany) in my life though they are happily attached …however, they still love me as much as I love them. The blessing to have my kor, kawan and all dear(s) and friends to care for me. I appreciate and count my blessings everyday. With the blessings, I live on my life.

I could not take it when others try to hurt those that I love. I rather the pain and suffer is on me rather than on the one which I love with whole of my heart. I will be alone without her. Is not easy to see the pain and sorrow in the eyes. The disappointment and the heartbreak that the one has to take. Too pitiful to see. To hard for me to take. I knew the pain, I know the sorrow. But the help and support I could give is too little. I hope I could be stronger. I hope I could give more. My heart breaks to see this. My tears keep falling. What I could give is only my care, my love and my support. I give all I had. I try all I can. I had put her through this and I hope this is the best I could give.

My deepest appreciation to those that care, love and help. No words could express my greatest thanks and to tell how grateful I am. I will be grateful for the rest of my life. The sincere concern, the silent prayer, the companionship, it might be little but I felt that is the most sincere love that I had received. That’s meant a lot. Really a lot.

My mind isn’t clear. My heart never peace. I do not know much more suffer and pain in life. But I couldn’t think much now. My tired body and soul. I dont mind to be hurt. If that could make life easier. I can only leave it to faith. I am fated to be such. I will still give and love till I die. Life still go on….. and all I need is just simple love...

Silent pain

Silently screaming
Nobody hears
Falling down my cheeks
Are unseen tears

This silent suffering
Is getting to be more than I can bear
God, Please help me now
Get rid of my fears
God Please help me now
Sort through this despair

I may as well give it up
I've got nowhere to turn from here
I'm empty inside
And I don't know why

Just go away now, the unknown pain
Whether your here doesn't matter
This silent suffering has come again
And will remain here i think forever

lube .... OH NO!!

I cant take any artificial sweetening agent - no sorbitol, no aspartame, less fructose..

If not mistaken, lube use sorbitol.... DIE!!!! :(

My Diet Menu after the Op

My Menu

No Oil
No FAT
No Milk
No Beans
No Cheese
No White Bread
No Cabbage
No Dairy
No Banana
No Sorbitol or Artificial Sweetener
No popcorn

Less White Rice
Less Nuts
Less Garlic
Less onions
Less broccoli
Less cauliflower
Less sprouts
Less orange
Less apple

What can I eat then!!!!! T...................T

Haiz.... takkan everyday sashimi.... mana mampu?

My BIG Day

Been off blogging quite sometime d.. hehe.. malas n tired. here are some updates... for a month back.. 19 FEB. my bday (hehe... one month still consider not bad compared to my DEAR :P)

Nothing much going on that day. I took leave. Alone. Saje. dont want to work. Went to meet DEAR for makan lunch at Pavillion. My favourite jap food. then walk ard with dear6. and back home to rest. No much celebration heh...old d...

Got a pendant which is very shining and nice from DEAR n DD. Then a spec frame from kawan. Simple and precious gifts.

I bought myself a RADLEY bag and a BRAUN BUFFEL Wallet. hehe... pampered myself a bit and get rid of bad lucks using the old wallet. :P

Bahagia nyer...........

PS: the most got "heart" di of DEAR is Silencer. Never ever thought of this sweet little guy will post me a little cute NICI orang utan which i named him "U U" (in BM). DEAR said he never give hint i like NICI soft toy. REally suprise me. So sweet. So, now i will declare that he is QUALIFIED as DEAR's di. :P kakakaka.... nampak ni budak??? satisfied? oh ya... he even sms me before my bday as he knew i sleep earlier and cant wait for the count down one.... memang korek byk my rahsia le... thankssss a lot.

vday 2009

hoho... happy got this vday gift from my DEAR. my first only gift. yay, thanks DEAR..... muaks

oh ya... i bought myself a stalk of tulip 2 days before the vday... nobody buy ma buy for sendiri lo... not big deal.. happily with a purple real tulip...

been to a pre vday birthday party as well... enjoyable and nice to see my dear(s) around, oh ya and my anak.... having such a soft skin and hair.. jealous... :P

simple and happy vday.....

disappointment

This year started not so smooth for me as I am suffering with serious allergic. Really a suffering month for me and still the condition didn't get better after consulting two doctors. More than 7 visits. I am not well. I see no lights yet. But I still hope I will be better. My DEAR is there for me when I am in suffer. My Dearest is there to give me support. Everyone left me except them. Tonight I seen it. Time to accept. Time to ignore. Time to let go. Completely. Do hope my tears stop here – today is the day I see the truth.

bad condition

year 2009 started badly it seems.. having skin in bad bad condition. i dont know wat happen. i cant sleep by now after the medicine prescribed by dr though. i felt scared. i felt down. i felt the pain. i am worry. i know i might get better. but i know i also might get worst. i had no confident on my body. too many bad experiences in life. there are now more than 20 big blisters spots... they wont spread so dun run away. but they doesnt get better too T_T

little hope for 2009

Ended year 2008 with disappointment in heart... but do felt blessed for the loves from my love ones. 2009 a new year ahead.... unpredictable... just a little hope and wishes ... for those i love, stay healthy and happy always...

Terribly Loosing Confident

Population of non PLU had all disappeared i think... personally... deeply. hmm... seems like i cant figure out any one among my friends or my list. :(

I think i am loosing confident of believing in there is someone that i'm searching for for so long.....

More problems Post Op

"You have had your gallbladder removed. Why do you still have pain and gases?"

DEAR asked me that weeks ago and seriously I can't answer. The Dr never give me clear answer abt it. I knew his intension is good that he don't want to see me complaining that i'm in pain and suffer. The Dr can't help me much. I had to find my own effort to find out more info through internet.

“The most common problems, apart from actual pain are impaired digestion: bloating, gas, heartburn, constipation or diarrhea. You are already having trouble digesting fats. So why would removing the organ that regulates the metabolizer of fats improve your digestion? It may help with the pain, but know that 34% of people who have their gallbladder removed still experience some abdominal pain.”

And I am among the 34% of those patients still having those annoying symptoms. And 2 days ago, the pain is acute midnight and I do not know how to react to it. That is not the first attack but this is the most painful one after the operation. Tried my very best to fall asleep again but sleeping pill and pain killer don't work well this time. I knew that won't help much d. I fell down n hurt myself twice after the op but the Dr said that wont cause those acute pain. The root has to be seek. The truth need to be found.

“Abdominal pain, nausea, gas, bloating, and diarrhea are common following surgery.” Postcholecystectomy syndrome (after gallbladder removal syndrome) may include all of the above symptoms plus indigestion, nausea, vomiting and constant pain in the upper right abdomen. These are also gallbladder attack symptoms. Up to 40% of people who undergo gallbladder surgery will experience these symptoms for months or years after surgery. "

I asked myself how is this possible? Why I am the unfortunate one? The discomfort is horrible. I do not how to tell. I can't express it. I can't be pretending that I am ok. I felt sick to live with it.

"Functional biliary pain in the absence of gallstone disease is a definite entity and a challenge for clinicians." which is to say that at this point in time, they don't really know what to do with gallbladder problems that aren't related to gallstones and "Often, following cholecystectomy, biliary pain does not resolve..." which means after gallbladder surgery you may just be stuck with the pain. "

Why these irresponsible answers can be given by those specialists? I'm in pain n discomfort with those symptoms. I scare for more tests. I'm worry. Life seems to be tiring and lonely. And dealing with my office Guarantee Letter and seeking for 2nd opinion isn't easy as well as we do need to thought of those panel thing.

Truth is not easy to be known and digested. And frankly I am scare d as every single facts that i had to accept before and after op is disappointing and upset me a lot .....

My painful experience

I think most of the readers of this blog knew that I just gone through an operation. Removal of gallbladder. This is the 4th operation I had in life but this considers a major one and I had suffered the most.

Pre-op : Before the op, I thought I am having gastric pain as I always had. But the condition is getting worst though the dr gave me some japs and medication for the pain, it doesn’t seem no improvement e at all. The pain I had causes me couldn’t sleep at nights I felt terribly pain and the uncomfortable feel all over my body is torturing. I felt hot sometimes that I had to sleep on the floor to cool me. At another moment, I felt cold and had to cover comforter. I am running up and down to find a best spot to sleep. But is really hard for me to fall asleep with the pain that I couldn’t know why. Finally, went for a details check up, there was the whole cluster of stones in the gallbladder wall and duct causing the acute pain. But, my bad luck seems continue as I couldn’t get any guarantee letter due to the Raya holiday. So, medications to help to relief pain a bit and waited for the GL to be ready. My dearest and housemate were so worry that I will mumble in my sleep that I am pain, hot and cold but luckily dearest is kind enough to be my “remote control”—on and off aircond, blanket me and make me hot drinks.

Op: DEAR and housemate need to take turns to on leave on my op day due to their tight schedule that day. Everyone is worry for the lousy service in the hospital. They tried to b with me during the “peak” hour, right before my op and after to make sure that I am well taking care off. I had suffered until the op, but goodness the suffer didn’t stop right after the op. I was in cold for an hour in the OT room after I was awake from the op. No one from ward is free to bring me back. Climbing from bed to another until my room is taking my life. The pain from the op is even worst. I felt the pain even I am not moving. Cant get up or and felt pain getting to toilet. It was like horrible. DEAR keep my lips moist with wet tissue. I was under drip therefore no food or drink allowed for more than 24 hours. DEAR cant do anything, just accompanying me quietly seeing me in pain. I get him off the hospital as late and monsoon season during that time. And there, the stupid nurse didn’t take well care of me after I get to toilet, I bleed due to the force on my drip. Such a bad hospital having me unattended, spoilt drip roller and under dosage pain killer. When others beloved dears and kawan came bringing my favorite fruits, I am just like dead fish lying there.

Post-op: Finally I was discharges after 2 nights in the worst hospitals I had. DEAR’s sis and mum taking well care of me. The ride back home and meal is like the warmest wishes they gave. Under series of medication but seems the recovery is super slow due to my bad health. Bleeding, internal inflammation, causing me taking another 2 course of antibio and medical leaves for more than 2 weeks. The acute diarrhea pains, the vomiting, painful wounds, were with me till today. Recovering stage is like ages compared to a normal people taking few days or a week to get back to work. I think is time for me to get a good advice to find out abt my blood profile that is suspected abnormal. But seems like the dr couldn’t get me any good reference.

After this op, I am a person without gallbladder. Diet intake is important. The inconvenience to dine with me is there. Fresh sashimi, plain salad, steam dishes are the limited choice I had. And my application of PR is an unknown due to my health… Felt really down……….

A Birthday Dedication to DEAR

Today is my best friend birthday. He's 28, looks 18, and sometimes he's going on 58, sometimes 98, depending on what the day demands :P.

He's been my best friend for nearly 10 years, my soul mate since the day we were at high school. Probably one of the funniest people I know, he never fails to bring belly laughs. He understands and knows me better than I know myself.

When I look into the future, I see our two gnarled, arthritic hands intertwined, my kids playing around with their God father n mother watching over, and I know that we are destined for a long and happy life together.

Happy Birthday DEAR. You are my DEAR, my best friend, and you deserve much happiness!

Zzzz-less

I cant sleep. though med that suppose to make me sleep was taken... i still awake.. yeah, i am sleepy but i cant sleep. the pain through the back is acute. i will try to zzz a bit... i cant wake dearest up. he just sleep after accompanying me for my "medical breakfast". i wonder this pain will last how long....

If

My insomnia is getting worst these days. Is almost 2am and I'm not lying on bed and resting. My mind is occupied. My body can't relax. I felt the stress. My beloved fren:

If love can change things, i wish i can give more.

If care can help a little, i don't mind giving all.

If patience is they key, i have to learn it through.

But... i do not know what to do.. worries and pain, do not help at all. Is not easy to handle.. is heartache to see the suffer.. i wish i can hold you to sleep, i wish i can share a little more, what i want to see is a healthy and happy you, my love.