2010

Today… for the ending of year 2010… I was in the mood of blogging to express my inner feelings about life….

I am not old but more mature than most adults; smarter that most adults. I don’t have choice. I learnt to live with it. I don’t want to carry this burden. I am collapsing under my insecurity; crushed by my past, my present, and my future. For I know what lies ahead in this life: sorrow, misery, grief. No one knows this more than I, though people claim I’m too young to fully grasp what life has to offer. I have life pinned down in its fatal position, screaming its ugly truths to me in terror. I soak it all in. I learn from it.

I can tolerate when others hurt me. I can go on life picking up pieces by pieces with the great help and support from DEAR, Dearest and others. There is joy in my life, blessing of having beloved DEAR and Dearest (far away in Germany) in my life though they are happily attached …however, they still love me as much as I love them. The blessing to have my kor, kawan and all dear(s) and friends to care for me. I appreciate and count my blessings everyday. With the blessings, I live on my life.

I could not take it when others try to hurt those that I love. I rather the pain and suffer is on me rather than on the one which I love with whole of my heart. I will be alone without her. Is not easy to see the pain and sorrow in the eyes. The disappointment and the heartbreak that the one has to take. Too pitiful to see. To hard for me to take. I knew the pain, I know the sorrow. But the help and support I could give is too little. I hope I could be stronger. I hope I could give more. My heart breaks to see this. My tears keep falling. What I could give is only my care, my love and my support. I give all I had. I try all I can. I had put her through this and I hope this is the best I could give.

My deepest appreciation to those that care, love and help. No words could express my greatest thanks and to tell how grateful I am. I will be grateful for the rest of my life. The sincere concern, the silent prayer, the companionship, it might be little but I felt that is the most sincere love that I had received. That’s meant a lot. Really a lot.

My mind isn’t clear. My heart never peace. I do not know much more suffer and pain in life. But I couldn’t think much now. My tired body and soul. I dont mind to be hurt. If that could make life easier. I can only leave it to faith. I am fated to be such. I will still give and love till I die. Life still go on….. and all I need is just simple love...