Heart Dying.....

Been going through some really hard times these days... one after another... Some still remain unsolved, new one still pumping in...

Some involving those that I won't care less and I won't let go...
Sad to say that I have to put it aside. To monitor and to wait for the right time. I am drowning.

I am letting go some.. some that I can let go. Some that I can and I will when my heart is totally closed for them. I felt relieve. I could not take more words or the cruel actions.

Some, just coming in like earthquake. No signal. No alarm. I broke down. I can't say out a word. My tears just keep falling for worrying and sadness.
Pain to see and feel. I never get any rest in mind for very long time. And I knew, not easy to get it rested again as too many things is happening and that's the reality of life.

My tears fall in the night. Thinking of those that I care and love. I couldn't answer why I need to go through all these when I was asked. May be this is a test from HIM that he wants me to go through. But frankly the consequences is too heavy to carry with...

Blessed that I am not alone... Blessed that beloved, dear and others are with me.. I love them for their love and care. But I felt the sky is no longer bright... is always cloudy... just awaiting for the rain to pour....

STRESS VIRUS

When I was back from Europe, my dear picked me up. I noticed that he was like tired and stress with works. Two days later, I went over to pick my beloved to work. He was even worst. He was getting "lesu" and "layu" though it was just early in the morning. Felt "sakit hati" to see his condition. I can't help him up. Just hope the conditions won't be getting any worst.

Just for 2 months, most of my loves one were in bad conditions. Is just like a virus. Spreading and eating up our mind, energy and soul. Everyone of us are carrying our own cross. We are there to support and care for each others in difficulties. We still have to bear and stay with the pain by ourself. You won't know exactly how it feels when you were really in it. Not easy to understand. Not easy to walk alone. Luckily we have each other and love ones to support, to care and to love.

Hope life will be better. Hopefully everyone will be stronger to face all the problems and tests. Let's pray for it....

Another attack!

Another attack yesterday...
Many unsolve still left behind and yet I was hurt again...
I wonder HE is giving me so much... am I strong enough to take it anymore?
My tears fall when I am in front of the alter..
My hope, my prayer to HIM, I asked HIM to take care of the one I love.
I no longer can reach out for him. I did my best.
My care for him is more than to myself.
But why he makes me worry?

I've been living with plenty these days and things are getting harder and harder....
Too hard to take...
I can't see any of the people that I love in pain or suffer.
I felt that strongly in me as well.
I love them too much and so do they.

Beloved advice me to let go, to build up sheild to protect myself.
Start to care and selfish for myself.
I have to learn. I have to ...
I knew he really worry.

Love.. is never from family.
But I gain more from buddy, beloved and few others.
I felt blessed for that.
But, I do hope from them... that's why I can feel the pain.

Crying on my dear's shoulder..
Tears falled uncontrol by just seeing the text.
I totally break down.
I said nothing. I just can't ...

I hope I can let go.
I hope I can be strong.
I hope.

PAPRIKA

Paprika... First thought in my mind when beloved told me we are going to watch this with KH was --- A capsicum japanese anime?! Paprika.. for me is sort of Capsicum/Chili. I knew this when i was abroad in Europe. So... I just said"hmmm... ok.." We are going for a capsicum anime.. Kindda stupid thinking.. but... who cares.. As long as I was invited for a movie. Haha... I miss movie lots. For at least two months didn't step into a cinema. My dear and his fren ffk me. They watched the Transformer without me. So, I'm kind of "merajuk", dont wanna go even they asked to watch it once again. I am an evil.

So, Paprika... I sat in the cinema... Eh....No capsicum...? But turned out to be a cute pretty Japanese girl--- a young female therapist that can stop the crime when a machine that allows therapists to enter their patient's dreams is stolen, all hell breaks loose. Nice music. Interesting and nice movie. I love that lots!

Hmmm......is a anime but I still covered my head with the sweater when I saw those horrible, scary dolls' faces. I am afraid of those since young. Haha... you can laugh at me... That's me. No doubt. So, hehe... no barbie dolls for me pls :)

First time in lion city for a movie, first time for a anime, first time being treated for an anime... at least it filled my mind for a while to let me enjoy my time off. Thanks KH and my beloved for that... For treating me and allowing me to be there :P .. Haha..

JUST ON THE OUTSIDE

A life of secret anguish…held captive within.

Suffering in silence, on the outside…I smile again.

A life of hidden pain…chained shackles within.
Crying while alone, on the outside…I smile again.

A life of silent worry…trapped desires within.
Praying in private, on the outside…I smile again.

A life of undisclosed grief…confined safely within.
Bearing isolated burdens, on the outside…I smile again.

A life of abandoned hope…solitary isolated within.
Buried dreams deserted, on the outside…I smile again.

Heartily Hurt

I am hurt deeply.
I still hope. That's why I am sad....
My tears keep flowing...
My mind is too complex...too many things happened at one time..
My heart is pain...
I can't breath...
Sleepless nights...

Sunk Boat

Another speechless day.
Too emotional.
Not easy to handle.
Plan cancelled.
No sign.
No explanation.
I go on with my best.
Cleaning.
Serving.
Hidden tense, worries and tears.
I handled well.
I am tired …..
I become weaker …..
I am helpless …..

Trauma

Woke up by severe pain. Medicine not working well again. Oh, I fall asleep just right after dinner. The sky is still bright but the night is too quiet. Just the sound of breathing. I can't get to sleep again. I try to empty up my mind but as usual, I fail to do so. My mind is fresh with the news I read 2 hours back.

"5 years old girl was raped by a stranger and she speak no words or tears after the incident when the family found her after 10+ hours"

The poor little girl is in trauma. She is having a terribly big shock in her life. Her lower body was covered with blood. Her eyes were big opened. She is helpless. She was sent to hospital and psychological treatments will be given soon.

Trauma.. not easy to cure. Not easy to handle either. Phychological treatment, I doubt how much it can help. She definately will has this with her for the whole life. How can these rapiest be so cruel? She is just 5. And this gonna affect her whole life! She can't forget. She can't wipe it off. She will feel scared, the pain. No way to escape. No way to pour out. Words and tears, help not much. No matter what, will be for her to carry these bad memories by herself, helplessly and painfully in her life.

My heart is pain seeing this. Too hard to bear. Too painful to carry....

Growing Old

Time to leave is near.. I still worry but nothing can be done. He hope that I carry with me just all the sweet and good memories. But, I knew I will be carrying with me more worries and sadness. A question thrown to me that day:

"Do you afraid of death?"

No. I didn't. We do not need to worry anymore if we die but those who loves us will be more suffering. I hope my message was well delivered through my words. My worries. My sadness. The journey planted in some good memories, but it also taking away my happiness. Is it good, is it not? I don't know. But I knew I am growing "old".... I learnt too much...too fast...Not easy... I try to control my tears but it falls... again :''(

Trip to Berlin

Berlin Day 1

Reached Berlin quite late around 1030pm. Headed to buddy's friend place for one night stay. Had Indian cuisine. Back home and refreshed. Then get to Disco for my very first time. Enjoy much but got "heart attack". I had many of my "first time" experiences tonight. Very unforgettable experiences.

Berlin Day 2

Woke up quite early. Ate a very crispy and hot croissant which buddy queue for quite sometime to get that :). Then, we went out for morning walk at nearby neighbourhood. Get to a morning market, park, bookstore, pharmacy, cultury brewery,church of Mary, before buddy went for his haircut. Then we get to check in to another hotel, dressed up and go for Japanese Food before we join the parade. Went to a park Kollvit Square for some greenery and fresh air. After the parade, we went for sightseeing at posydamer platz where the sony centre is located. Nice and modern design. Dinner in a Vietnamese Restaurant and back home to zzz.

Berlin Day 3
Started the day quite early about 10am. Bought some fruits for breakfast. Took train to visit an old destroyed church during WWII-- Kaiser-Wilheim-Gedachtniskirche. Ate a curry wurst (sausage). Then took bus for sightseeing. Passed by zoo, embassy before we got down at the Parliment and parliment office. We then went for photography sessions at Brandenburg Gate, Hotel Adlon, Jewish square, Berlin Wall, Beliner Dom, Altes Museum, French and German Cathedral, Cultural House, Neue Wache, Old National Gallery, Opera House, Museum of German History, Pergamon Museum and Bode Museum. We ended up the trip at a Italian Restaurant before we checked out at about 5pm. Reached home by car-pooling abt 2am. Quite a rush but enjoyable day!

Relationship

Relationship is a particular type of connection between two people. I always thought that it is a special kind of feelings towards the one you love, to love, care, trust, to be together in good or bad times. The one that you can pour everything and share your joy and sadness. To grow old together, loving each other till the end of life..

But, recently.. I found that relationship sucks. I am not going through any but I had seen it through. I start having doubt. I start to wonder there aren't any good ending like what happen in fairy tales. We need to face the reality. We will love someone with our whole heart but we will not necessary get any return. If you are loving each other at that moment, there are no guarantee that it will last forever. You will be loyal to the relationship, but how about the other half? Too many tempatation, too many sad ending.

I never encounter any good one in my life. I believe there will have. But now.. I really doubt. My heart is closing ....

CSD Berlin 2007

Manage to catch the Christopher Street Day (CSD) in Berlin. It is the end of Pride week. The big parade on the last Saturday of Pride week will follow a route from the Kurfurstendamm to the Siegesäule. Almost the whole Berlin is celebrating this parade.

Big crowd. Eye opening. Fun. Experience.

I enjoyed it! :)