Terribly Loosing Confident

Population of non PLU had all disappeared i think... personally... deeply. hmm... seems like i cant figure out any one among my friends or my list. :(

I think i am loosing confident of believing in there is someone that i'm searching for for so long.....

More problems Post Op

"You have had your gallbladder removed. Why do you still have pain and gases?"

DEAR asked me that weeks ago and seriously I can't answer. The Dr never give me clear answer abt it. I knew his intension is good that he don't want to see me complaining that i'm in pain and suffer. The Dr can't help me much. I had to find my own effort to find out more info through internet.

“The most common problems, apart from actual pain are impaired digestion: bloating, gas, heartburn, constipation or diarrhea. You are already having trouble digesting fats. So why would removing the organ that regulates the metabolizer of fats improve your digestion? It may help with the pain, but know that 34% of people who have their gallbladder removed still experience some abdominal pain.”

And I am among the 34% of those patients still having those annoying symptoms. And 2 days ago, the pain is acute midnight and I do not know how to react to it. That is not the first attack but this is the most painful one after the operation. Tried my very best to fall asleep again but sleeping pill and pain killer don't work well this time. I knew that won't help much d. I fell down n hurt myself twice after the op but the Dr said that wont cause those acute pain. The root has to be seek. The truth need to be found.

“Abdominal pain, nausea, gas, bloating, and diarrhea are common following surgery.” Postcholecystectomy syndrome (after gallbladder removal syndrome) may include all of the above symptoms plus indigestion, nausea, vomiting and constant pain in the upper right abdomen. These are also gallbladder attack symptoms. Up to 40% of people who undergo gallbladder surgery will experience these symptoms for months or years after surgery. "

I asked myself how is this possible? Why I am the unfortunate one? The discomfort is horrible. I do not how to tell. I can't express it. I can't be pretending that I am ok. I felt sick to live with it.

"Functional biliary pain in the absence of gallstone disease is a definite entity and a challenge for clinicians." which is to say that at this point in time, they don't really know what to do with gallbladder problems that aren't related to gallstones and "Often, following cholecystectomy, biliary pain does not resolve..." which means after gallbladder surgery you may just be stuck with the pain. "

Why these irresponsible answers can be given by those specialists? I'm in pain n discomfort with those symptoms. I scare for more tests. I'm worry. Life seems to be tiring and lonely. And dealing with my office Guarantee Letter and seeking for 2nd opinion isn't easy as well as we do need to thought of those panel thing.

Truth is not easy to be known and digested. And frankly I am scare d as every single facts that i had to accept before and after op is disappointing and upset me a lot .....

My painful experience

I think most of the readers of this blog knew that I just gone through an operation. Removal of gallbladder. This is the 4th operation I had in life but this considers a major one and I had suffered the most.

Pre-op : Before the op, I thought I am having gastric pain as I always had. But the condition is getting worst though the dr gave me some japs and medication for the pain, it doesn’t seem no improvement e at all. The pain I had causes me couldn’t sleep at nights I felt terribly pain and the uncomfortable feel all over my body is torturing. I felt hot sometimes that I had to sleep on the floor to cool me. At another moment, I felt cold and had to cover comforter. I am running up and down to find a best spot to sleep. But is really hard for me to fall asleep with the pain that I couldn’t know why. Finally, went for a details check up, there was the whole cluster of stones in the gallbladder wall and duct causing the acute pain. But, my bad luck seems continue as I couldn’t get any guarantee letter due to the Raya holiday. So, medications to help to relief pain a bit and waited for the GL to be ready. My dearest and housemate were so worry that I will mumble in my sleep that I am pain, hot and cold but luckily dearest is kind enough to be my “remote control”—on and off aircond, blanket me and make me hot drinks.

Op: DEAR and housemate need to take turns to on leave on my op day due to their tight schedule that day. Everyone is worry for the lousy service in the hospital. They tried to b with me during the “peak” hour, right before my op and after to make sure that I am well taking care off. I had suffered until the op, but goodness the suffer didn’t stop right after the op. I was in cold for an hour in the OT room after I was awake from the op. No one from ward is free to bring me back. Climbing from bed to another until my room is taking my life. The pain from the op is even worst. I felt the pain even I am not moving. Cant get up or and felt pain getting to toilet. It was like horrible. DEAR keep my lips moist with wet tissue. I was under drip therefore no food or drink allowed for more than 24 hours. DEAR cant do anything, just accompanying me quietly seeing me in pain. I get him off the hospital as late and monsoon season during that time. And there, the stupid nurse didn’t take well care of me after I get to toilet, I bleed due to the force on my drip. Such a bad hospital having me unattended, spoilt drip roller and under dosage pain killer. When others beloved dears and kawan came bringing my favorite fruits, I am just like dead fish lying there.

Post-op: Finally I was discharges after 2 nights in the worst hospitals I had. DEAR’s sis and mum taking well care of me. The ride back home and meal is like the warmest wishes they gave. Under series of medication but seems the recovery is super slow due to my bad health. Bleeding, internal inflammation, causing me taking another 2 course of antibio and medical leaves for more than 2 weeks. The acute diarrhea pains, the vomiting, painful wounds, were with me till today. Recovering stage is like ages compared to a normal people taking few days or a week to get back to work. I think is time for me to get a good advice to find out abt my blood profile that is suspected abnormal. But seems like the dr couldn’t get me any good reference.

After this op, I am a person without gallbladder. Diet intake is important. The inconvenience to dine with me is there. Fresh sashimi, plain salad, steam dishes are the limited choice I had. And my application of PR is an unknown due to my health… Felt really down……….

A Birthday Dedication to DEAR

Today is my best friend birthday. He's 28, looks 18, and sometimes he's going on 58, sometimes 98, depending on what the day demands :P.

He's been my best friend for nearly 10 years, my soul mate since the day we were at high school. Probably one of the funniest people I know, he never fails to bring belly laughs. He understands and knows me better than I know myself.

When I look into the future, I see our two gnarled, arthritic hands intertwined, my kids playing around with their God father n mother watching over, and I know that we are destined for a long and happy life together.

Happy Birthday DEAR. You are my DEAR, my best friend, and you deserve much happiness!

Zzzz-less

I cant sleep. though med that suppose to make me sleep was taken... i still awake.. yeah, i am sleepy but i cant sleep. the pain through the back is acute. i will try to zzz a bit... i cant wake dearest up. he just sleep after accompanying me for my "medical breakfast". i wonder this pain will last how long....

If

My insomnia is getting worst these days. Is almost 2am and I'm not lying on bed and resting. My mind is occupied. My body can't relax. I felt the stress. My beloved fren:

If love can change things, i wish i can give more.

If care can help a little, i don't mind giving all.

If patience is they key, i have to learn it through.

But... i do not know what to do.. worries and pain, do not help at all. Is not easy to handle.. is heartache to see the suffer.. i wish i can hold you to sleep, i wish i can share a little more, what i want to see is a healthy and happy you, my love.

Little wish

Is pain to see two souls drifting apart
The love is not faded
Just do not how to express to each other
Just do not how to show the care and love
Give and reach out, my dear
In our heart the loves meet again
I really hope so……

小小的祈祷

但愿我不是你生命中的过客， 而是你心里的住客。

认识你虽然不是很久，却经历了喜怒哀乐。

朋友，谢谢你所付出的一切，

愿我不在的日子里，你过得更快乐。

Little love means A LOT

When you are lonely, companionship means A LOT;
When you are sad, happiness means A LOT;
When you are happy, sharing means A LOT;
When you are down, cheer means A LOT;
When you are cold, a hug means A LOT.

People tend not to show that they care nor love for things. But in their hearts, sometimes they do. They just refuse to tell or show. May be they felt shy, may be egoistic in them make them hard to tell/show. Is really a sad thing if you didn’t tell when you have the chance to do so. When you feel that you want to do it, is always too late.

For me, calling and sms-ing person that I care and asking how they doing is necessary. Wishing them a good night and take care. Telling them how much I miss and love them. For some people, it might be calling me “a slut” as it sounds too direct. But for me, I just express my love to them as a little love does mean A LOT.

When someone is lonely, a call might cheer them up. Making their day cheerful as they might not speak to anybody for the whole day. Greeting a good night and kiss, making their night peace and happy. A simple call when they are down, listening to them, making their sadness reduce.

Never hesitate to do so... show your LOVE today....

Inner feelings

By myself walking,
To myself talkingWhen as I ruminate
On my untold fate,
Scarcely seem I,
Alone sufficiently,
Black thoughts continually
Crowding my privacy.

Frankly, I do not know what to post. The feelings deep in my heart are as the poem above. Family, Love, Friends --- I seems like have too little of that. However, I felt glad I still have somebody there for me, when I am sad, when I am happy. Is too sad and heart pain to see the truth. But I do learn to appreciate and love more. My tears fall easily these days seeing sad truth. I do not know how to pour. May be I've learn to keep all this while. The real truths arent easy to take. I've been too weak to handle. I had tried to be strong. But the pain is still there. And I knew the day will come no matter what, and I just hope I can be strong to handle and my dear will be there by my side.

Heart Beat

For the very first time in my life... I heard of a heart beat by my naked ear!

Ok ok... i know i am too excited. The sound is so real... "bup bup, bup bup!"

Is exactly the same in what's showing in those movies. (See, not any computer effect)

Hehe..... the heart beat of a close fren... so clear... so science... Wow... i am impressed :P

Thanks, dear.. my letting me to hear that...

Some one that I love

My life seems to be too ‘interesting’ these days. It makes me handiness. I do think HE is giving me big challenge that I cannot handle it alone. I do not know how to take it easily.

Sometimes it is not to me directly but to those that I love. I personally do think that is much more painful seeing the one I love in suffer or pain. It does hurt me more. I cannot do anything much except comforting. My heart feels pain for those that I love. I do not want to see those that I love feel sad or down. I wish I can cheer them up.

Stay strong! I will lift the heavy blanket from your shoulders. Let me hold it …

Life

Some people joy for life, some tried hard to get alive,

but some easily want to end their life.

Some thoughts in my mind recently. I’ve experienced the joy of new-born and I’ve heard of giving up in life. The latter is so heartache to hear. Most of us do face problems in life. Some are lucky to overcome, but some are too unlucky. I’m the lucky one. I’m surrounded with people care and love me lots. Sorry for making u all worry for me, dear. Sorry that I will need to face it no matter what. I can’t give up. I’ll be stronger to handle. With all your support and care, strength and love, I’ll take care of myself. I’m sorry to make you worry. Thanks for being there, dear. I love u …

当你孤单，会想起什么呢？

现在的我，思绪很乱，思路没有方向，想着想着心口又疼痛了， 身上的痛已被心灵上的创伤，远远的超越了。脸上的泪，已分不清楚是旧痕还是刚刚不由自主所留下的。我不知道我为何用了我所有脑力，写了这些，可能是我在不久前阻止了一个我深爱的人用英语来表达他的意愿。

这些日子，所承受的压力， 让我塌下了。从一件可能让人毫不起眼的事件，勾起了一连串的痛苦回忆， 一个让我埋没在深处的伤口。一路来，从没好好的睡一场， 梦游已成了我生命中的一部分。现在，从睡梦中惊醒的痛苦，又回来了。我不能原谅与忘记， 只好好好的深藏起来，未来的路，我不会面对， 只好逃避。

与一个虽认识不久的朋友有意见上争执使我情绪低落了。我心口疼了。心疼他的忙碌与奔波，生气自己的直率，使他生气了。一波一波的事件，我失眠了。加上工作上的无理与压力，身上的伤与闷热，我累了。今天的我，已一拐一拐的忍痛，把思绪都填满了满满的工作，可是还是都不停的飘远。
当我接到另一个电话时，我崩溃了。所发生的一切一切，都围绕着我。我是事件发生的中心点，他说得没错，我是忽略了朋友的感受。我应该怎么做呢？问或不问已开始让我恐惧. 坦白或不，让我不会选择. 我的心好疼好疼，快呼吸不到了。

当你孤单，会想起什么呢？我的脑海里，快乐不见了， 伤感把它取代了。我哭了。我好害怕。我好孤单。我的心，再次的关闭了。我默默地承受，默默的流泪，我不敢让关心我的人知道，因为他们会担心。 那一个拥抱， 把我的泪擦掉， 让我可以把悲伤放下的避风港不见了。

Trauma and No Treatment

I can’t sleep well again these days after the incident. I was awake in scare again middle in the night. Something that can’t be brush off from my mind for years. Memories had flooded back. I froze. I wouldn't relax and I burst into tears. I do not know how to overcome that. I do not how to explain. I felt terrible scare and unsafe.

I can’t forgive and forget. It was registered in my brain. I have no power to erase it. Until unless one day my brain is going to be “formatted”. I wish for peace in mind.... but i don't think the day will come.

Sad days

Life would be happier if we can forget easily......

Been unhappy for few days and still having that bad feeling. When I'm alone even when I'm driving, my mind tend to think about the incident happened recently. While our king is celebrating his birthday, I'm in the “funeral”.

It can be said that is just like the Dr. already told me about the worst condition, I knew it and yet to final confirm the death. And the day came, finally. To be honest, I felt down n sad. My tears dropped thinking about it. Is not easy to take it though I've been in it for years. DEAR told me that is the visual act that shown to me. That's why I felt that.

I don't know how to respond. I just let them do it. Let them do whatever they want. The action did hurt me though I've no rights to argue. I just have to take it and live with it. My heart bleeds again. Though it will recover one day but the scar will just be there forever. I wish I could let go and forget but it will never as the wounds are too deep.

That's the cross I have to carry on my own and is heavy.

P/S: Double sad when I made my friend felt sad. I do deeply understand his feelings n been in his shoes. I'm so sorry, dear. Forgive me.

Bitch-ing

Personally I don’t like people to lie or being not punctual. I had 2 cases here where these people really stepping on my tail.

1st case
Being not punctual. Being late for 40 mins and didn’t say a single sorry and apologize face to face. Then making my friends going round to try to help, get things fix for him and didn’t even say a simple thank you. Even dare to smile in big eyes open trying to be funny telling people he’s did give effort. Oh please, go off..

2nd case
Another nuts! A stupid fool that can’t give me a single quotation even now, dragging till a month and yet things not resolve. Sending me a quotation but not a single number in the sheet. Then, called me up after office hour, asking me

“do u get the quotation?”
“no, didn’t”
“I oredi sent wor”
“Is ur email having problem?”
“ Yalor, the telephone line was cut off by forklift, so cannot go online whole day already”
“Then… how u send me the quotation then?! You expect me to get that?”
“Ermmm… then nvm la, I fax to u tomorrow”

And the stupid fool still faxing me wrong quotation, all terms wrong again. I had spoke to him in Chinese and English. I had wrote to him in English and Chinese. And yet this bloody shit still doing the wrong thing. Haiz.. he even told me the chemist don’t know how to do, the purchaser also don’t know. I hate that bloody shit and I have to deal with him as my boss want him to be our supplier. I think I will get heart attack soon. My boss still scolding me as me not patience to him. He asked me must teach him slow slow. Invite his people sitting in front of me, teach them how to do. OMG… what the hell is that! Help!

Oh my... how can I not to be bitch with these people around!

STRESS

Seriously having STRESS at work. Boss became more demanding. A marketing exec had resigned and no sign of getting any new one. I did ask but seems once I can still cope, no new recruitment will be done. Ridiculous reports. Demanding results. I felt bad.

At this hour. I still asleep. Basically I cant sleep well at night. My dear is also still at work. Pity him for being in that position. Once the responsibility getting higher, then workload will become heavier. Sometimes, I can just wish to had work with a MNC. Then, working hour wont be drag into this kind of timing.

May be I should go to see the other offer that still open for me? May be not? I dont know. Desicion is hard to make.

Don't be afraid to Fall in Love Again!

I watched PS I love You last night. A movie that i wanted to watch for so long. Thanks for my dear2 to get that downloaded for me. I finished the book 3 weeks back and my tears fall. And.. yesterday night i was into it again with that touching movie.

Don't be afraid to fall in love again.

A beautiful phrase that grabbed my attention.In my opinion, is easy to say than to do it. To fall in love with someone isn't as easy as it is. Sometimes, is not that we afraid to do so. The fact is we do not know how to open up our heart to someone else when we been hurt once. Falling in love is beautiful. Living in pain is a reality. When the love from someone is much greater than the pain you are living with, then you will try to love him back as well. It takes time to forget. It takes time to love again. But the day will definitely come. Smile :)

PS: A special dedication to my beloved FRIEND and myself. I love you, guy(s)!

Unlucky ME

I’ve been unlucky for lots of things in life. Having all the gadgets spoilt and malfunction. Even I have to need to go through a simple X-ray twice in a morning as the film got stuck in the machine. The level of unlucky really unbelievable and they just happened for no reason.

This time round is my little new car. It had been months I get to fix the problem but I still going round and round and problem still there. Today, I have to off for a day again for driving my car all the way up to RAWANG and waited there boringly But, it still not fix yet.

Life is just never easy for me. I have learnt throughout the way though, is not easy at all. I asked for hope, but was always ends with disappointment. I’m too used to that. The disappointment and sadness is far deep kept in my heart. I ask for HIS blessing but HE never answer yet or I am blessed in other way? I don’t know. What I can do, is hope for the best. That the rain will go away soon and sun start to shine again….

Dilemma

Been so long I didn’t update my blog. Not because of work or busy. But just have nothing to update about. Life is just passing by days by days. Work is normal and in good hands. Night market ‘shopping’ during weekdays with kawan D is enjoyable. Finally someone can be crazy with me visiting night market without buying things. Just wanna kill my time. I found that time passed so slow. Indeed very for me as I do think too much. Luckily I have kawan D and dear spending time with. I'll have dearest soon in JUNE. Complicated mindset now. Joyful and yet very worry. I scared I can't handle well. I hope I can do it best. For the best of him. Wish me luck!

Learn to Say ............

Hmm.....been unwell for almost a month... hoping for a recovery soon after eating imported medicine. Is really suffering... cant sleep well, headache... not enough air to breath... i think i might die when the air is not enough. I put my inhaler near to me.. for being my "hero" if i needed it. I've tried the "peak" moment years back. Very scary. I almost died. I am more alert now. But.... harsh words and pressure still "stimulate" the pain. I couldn't ignore much. I feel the stress.

I have to learn now from a good teacher---my dear. Learn to be more "concern" in my words... Learn to use "Good" intension in my sentences to comfort people. Hmm..... though i cant change the situation much, but at least i will be in less trouble then........

I so need some warmest hug now... i feel cold. the expensive medicine is working d... time to zzzzz

Realized

Love is blind.
The feeling is good.
But the timing isn’t right.

The heart do cherish a bit when confession been made,
But now it starts going shattered apart.
I’m sad I will never know how much meaning our relationship had for you.
I’m sad because I will never know how you really felt about me.
I’m sad because I still think of you.

For once… I am blind. Naïve. Stupid.
The best words to describe ME.
When I step back and see from far,
I can see clearer, the view is broader.
Suddenly I realized. Suddenly I no longer blind.

I want to smile as I look up at the sky.
I want the moon to brighten the night.
I want the clouds to pass me on by.
I want the stars to guide me to heaven.
I want wings to life me and fly!

And I still do have my dear(s) by my side…. I am not alone.

Friend OR Lover ?

Warning !! This post is totally clean from any "horrible" photos as the previous one :D.

Can a guy and a gal ever be just friends?

This is an eternal question in the minds of most people. Whenever you see a guy and a gal together, the first thing that comes on your mind is - 'they must be seeing each other'. As if there is no other possible relation between them. How far is this assumption justified?

I have many males friends but in contrast to the popular belief, they are NOT my boyfriends. With them around, I never have that 'one thing' in mind. I didn't bond with them just 'coz they are handsome or attractive. We are just close buddies and yet we share such a lovely comfort level. Moreover, I'm more comfortable with them than anyone else.

Now, that does attract a lot of raised-eyebrows. 'Hey, why do you give him so much importance? Is something brewing?' What a bunch of idiots. It's just biological that I'm more open with guys. I mean, I’m more comfortable with the opposite sex. Among pals of same gender, there's always a barrier, some sort of uneasiness. But with the opposite gender, there's no such hassle.

You're always more caring and gentle towards the opposite sex. When you are down and need someone to be beside you, it's them who'll give you more comfort. Similarly, when a girl really needs some advice or help, can she really depend on another girl? Being totally honest, girls dislike helping each other. Even best of friends think twice before helping the other. There's always some jealousy burning between any two girls. But it's just the opposite with guys. Girls can always look upto a guy friend for help or advice. Helping 'damsel in distress' is like top priority for most guys. And as they say - 'A friend in need is a friend indeed'.

There's really a very very thin line between friendship and love. Maybe I donno what's love. For me, they are literally inseparable. Listen to this - "She's my friend but I don't love her" or "I love him but he's not my friend". Sounds funny, huh? My guys friends are more close to me than gals. Some people think of it as my weakness; that I wear my heart on my sleeves. I can't help but pray for them.

Lemme know about your views on this matter.

A lesson to learn

Before operation and Infected flesh

After operation

I’ve been through a minor operation on my toe yesterday, removing the nail. Though this is not the first time I having operation but I do feel scared and nervous. Compared to the previous two major ones that I had, this is really ‘kacang’… But hello, it still hurts.

I hit my toe a month back and it doesn’t bleed by that time. The dirty blood came out a week after that when I massaged it. And in my little heart, I thought it was ok by then. Slowly, the nail was dying day by day and yesterday afternoon, it was half peel off and is painful inside. I really do not know how to react and I as usual ask my dear… He said “Go to Dr and pull it”. And my colleague was like saying “is normal le, let it peel by itself.. Everyone sure experience that in their life”. Sounded so weird and ridiculous. So, I decided to listen to dear.

A uni’s fren dropped by when I got home so she bring me to the Dr. Two injections to the toe. I shouted in pain. Then the Dr. start doing her part but still I felt the pain when she tested using a needle. So she have to inject another dose. Ok… after 3 dose, I can’t really feel the pain but the nurses are looking for blade! Oh God… in my heart I pray that they better find it before the effectiveness of the medicine gone, or I think I will die.

Finally, the Dr. found that and she cut the half-peel nail and infected new skin away. I have to see it as she is teaching me how to do the dressing as she believe I can do it myself everyday. Horrible swollen big red toe. It was killing me few hours later when I’m about to go to bed.. Pain killer doesn’t work well on me. I was lying in pain till I fall asleep.

I’ve a week of MC but I will need to be in the office by tomorrow. The nail is still pulling in pain and uncomfortable feeling is still there but I felt better and can bear with it by now. Tiring and painful experience… I told myself “I will be more careful and never ever hit my toe again!” as this experience is so sucks. T_T

When Love Turns to Pain

Is TRUE LOVE only exists in fairytales?

For now PAIN is the only thing that I know

For sure the PAIN is real

No happily ever after

PAIN is my only proof

It tears my little heart

Hurt my beloved friend

Love is but a sham

Bringing only worse PAIN

Is true love exist?

Why true love can turns to PAIN ?
I do not understand

“It takes only a second to love someone, but it took more than a decade to FORGET him”

I hope he is fine…. Everything will be fine, my dear…

MY BIG day Celebration

Dear, HP and CK (Ex-hubby) manage to get me out of the blues on my BIG day. Been frustrated for the whole day itself waiting my car to be done in PERODUA but at last cannot be settle within the day. Sat at my room with tiredness and worrying for it. Haiz… So, dear suggest that we had a BIG celebration on the day itself.....

HP came back home bringing a cake and CK. Then we headed to pick dear at the station before heading to a simple meal (Teow Chew Porridge). HAHA… Such a creative suggestion from ME… (I’m being too FAT d… so have to think of something light. Ordered many many dishes… and of course porridge… Yummy yummy…

Oh… forget not a new super cute MONKEY for my car from dear… Never thought of getting soft toy liao as dear always scolded me for having a castle of soft-toy.. but he still got me one. Thank you, dear! Then, received a lovely hand-made card from.. cute and warming. J . HP gave me a cushion pig for my car also and CK bought my favorite oranges and rojak. We had a little CAKE cutting “ceremony” at home. Makan makan rojak and longan. Hehe… simple and yet nice!

Buddy had gave me a B’DAY KISS via skype a day before I go to bed as I can’t hold till 12am and I also got a real KISS from my dear on the day itself. Haha… happiest girl on the world! Hopefully next year can have both kissing me by my side. Hehe…. No prezzie also tak kisah….:) as they are the best prezzie I have in my life. (Wonder how ex-hubby think when he saw that… Can really see his eyes full of question marks…HAHAHA….)

Then we sent dear back and accompany HP to send CK balik rumah….Got a call from “someone”, luckily he is not too late… sincere and warmth wishes as well… felt lovely too.. (hmm…. Am I someone too easy to satisfy? :P) Felt a little tired and tidur mati before 12am…

A warm and beautiful Birthday…. I love it too much! Just a little sad without buddy… I looking forward for coming one… ( opps…. Coming one… means one year older wor… hmm… worth it with him around!)

P/S: Thanks my dearest... love you lots! "muaks"

Triple malang

I think no one will have "malang" for 3 days berturut-turut except poor me.

Today... haiz... car havent ready even by now. Tak pe.... the stupid TURBO car that they borrowed me.. is freaking cheap. I cant find the button to opent the fuel tank and the meter isnt working also. So I lantak still drive... I just have to... until....... it totally STOP!!!!

Cant start... I am in the quite, rural area near my place. Under the hot sun. With no air-cond from the stupid car. Awaiting to be "SAVED"..

Under fear and pressure for more than 30 mins.. I nearly fainted. Paid to a Indian boy who pass by to help to get petrol. Worrying whether he will buy or not. Also worrying how to open the fuel tank until he told can use key..

HAIZZZZ.......... bad bad day! I really having heart pain and headache now after the incident. I cant think of any to help at the moment. I cant think of what I can do. I cant have anyone to help me when I in need. Poor me..

HARI yang MALANG X2

Haiz.... sent my car to fix today. Since 1:20pm. Till now the car still at PERODUA.
I was told they needed 2-3 hours to get it fix. Okay... they borrowed me a car, a super TURBO kancil which like going to break into 2. Which like noisy like hell. Tak pe... asalkan i can reach home sudah.

Take a quick nap. Cant sleep well. Worried for my car. Mana tahu memang malang. Called them at 3.48pm, said will be ready an hour later. Called again at 520pm. Ask me to wait. called at 535pm.

"Your car cannot be fixed by today. We cannot remove the drive shaft la. Even the part also reach at 5pm. So, come tomorrow la"
"Tomorrow what time? Can I hold the TURBO?"
"Errgg... wait ar.." (Another 10 mins)
"Ok, Miss. You can have the car. Must lock properly. Must drive slowly. The fuel comsumption is very high"
"Ok, so tomorrow what time, still dunno. Your car is hard to fix. We will call u tomorrow"

Arghhh..... sienz la

Hari yang MALANG

"Hari yang malang"... is not a title for karangan.. it happend to me!

My car is burning a big hole at my wallet today… RM 516++ for repairing and servicing. Hai…. A stupid wire/string had gone into my drive shaft system, tide all over the drive shaft and cause the drum burst due to pressure. And it was NOT under warranty as is an accident which no one will have ever. But it does happen to me! WHY?

Tomorrow gotto go again for getting the part fix. A birthday of mine where I will need to spend the whole afternoon there…. SO SAD…

Try to cheer myself up to a better lunch. Turn up the shop was closed. Then bump into a German Cuisine Restaurant for lunch with colleague… but… BAD food with ok price. Went to florist.. To see some flowers.. but expensive and not nice!

What a bad day I have here…. T_T

Childhood

I've been driving back to hometown during CNY. First time...Hmm... Tiring. Backache as I injured it 2 days before the journey.

Stopped at my childhood place before I went back home which is an hour away. A place where I've grown up with my grand parents. Lots of memories. Good and bad. I've not seen those rooms and spaces which I spent most of my time when I was young. This time, I can spent sometime walking around and snapping photos.

The places are dusty. Pity my grandma that is staying there. Impossible for her to clean that by herself. She don't want me to help either. My heart was bitter seeing these. Luckily her room is still clean.

A room where i stayed till age of 12

A space where I swing "sarong" by myself

A space where I did my little cycling and TV session

How time flies.... I do not know what will happen to all these spaces when I am growing older, when my grandma is no longer around. What I knew is...memories of mine here will never fade.....

From the bottom of my heart

Growing up you were always there
Each and every day showing me that you cared
Spoiling me every chance that you had
Letting me know that is okay to be sad.

After school, you checked on me day after day
Listening to every word I had to say
Each moment we spent together
Will be special to me forever.

Twelve years I kept you in my sight
Now all I can do is hold the memories tight
The day your soul drifted high
My heart knew, and all I could do was cry.

A festive season with sorrow, I
I hide under the blanket
To find my myself in a state of distress,
I broke down into tears.

I have spent years trying to put it in my past
And in college I have come to peace with it at last
A part of my heart left with you
The part that told me what to do.

Once I became confused and lost
I went to the church where God I sought
God told me something I did not know
I have your hand on my shoulder telling me where to go.

I once thought the part of me that went with you
Was lost forever and would not be put to good use
I now realize that I never lost part of my soul
I simply shared it with you to keep me whole.

You watched over me while you were here
And I know that you will watch over me from up there
Grandpa, to me you meant the world
Now with you I can live in the world.

My love for you, Grandpa, In this festive season…

Your 17th anniversary.
I Miss you....

10 years

“Cheryl, our ex-schoolmates are doing a BIG, GRAND gathering in Hyatt this coming CNY”. My housemate told me that one night. “Hmm… gathering? For what le heh?” I asked in acuh tak acuh je manner as I am so not interested in that. “10th year anniversary wor” “WHAT?! So lama liao ar? Tak perasan pun!”

10th years…. "人生得二知己已足矣" -- Having two closed friends in this life is very blessed and enough. Buddy told me this years back. I do not catch that meaning too much at that time but I knew it now. I’ve gone through up and down in life with my dear and beloved buddy (I even knew him more than 20 years!). Our relationship is just like closed family - to be there for each other. For me, our friendship comes from the heart. It forms a link to our soul that cannot be broken. It connects so strongly that even death does not sever the cord. It connects the physical with the spiritual and creates an energy that is impossible to describe.

Is a special bonding between us. Though there are many out there asking why doesn’t any of us pair up to be an item since we knew each of other so well? No words can explain this, because we knew this is the best and most comfortable way for each of us. We appreciate the relationship that we have. We enjoyed this best gift of God that can never be tied with string.

Understandable that in every friendship there will be arguments. We know each other well and because we're sure that our friendship can survive any argument, we do fight, argue and hurt each other. But luckily we did not get into silly fights that turn into red-hot arguments. Even there is some arguments or fights, a simple word, a hug or even kisses will get us out of blues.

Is not easy to have each other in this way. 10 years isn’t a short period. I hope I can have many more 10 years with them. Is a love and friendship journey that I wish to hold their hands, walk with them side by side throughout my life, sorrow and happiness, I wish to share with them!

Thanks for the 10th years of pampering and love. Love you guys lots! T_T *Tears dropped

Choosing the PERFECT path

Life –paths for us to walk through and live on. There might be many turning along the way and no doubt all of us are taking different pathways in life. We are working hard to achieve our goals and dreams in life. We do always want to go after something that looks good, attractive and perfect. Everyone does. That’s the norm for everyone to hope for better lifestyle.

I received a call the other day and that makes me think lots. He told me that he realized that he is so not interested in the current job. He might want to think of other pathway if the employer does not confirm him then. I asked only one question: “You said this is the job that you want all these while, that can let you learn, practice your skills and let you grow. Why not anymore?” “Ermm… not really suitable after I’m in it.”

In life, we always go after something that we think that might suit us, which look attractive and good. We will fantasize it to make it an excuse for us to grab for that. We can even sacrifice some other important things in life in order to get the ONE that we think that might be the BEST for us. Just like we choosing other half or choosing a job, we look for the best without deeper analysis and understanding. When we’ve it/in it, everything started to change. Today we can love it, tomorrow we might hate it. We are being too naïve and childish. We do not realize that we are actually loosing something more important in life along the way when we blindly made a decision to get the PERFECT things that isn’t suitable at all.

Do not wait till you lose something then you start to regret. Appreciate and love what you have when you still have it. Or else…. It will be too late..

Bancian........... BRA

Normally this is a perv thing but for me is quite ok. Yeah, I'm running a bancian again... (dear, i think i get it right this time). BANCIAN again but this time is for BRA. Hehe... kindly help in this and looking for the BRA :P

A) Sex/Age

B) How many bra's do you own?

C) What colors and ur age to see the differences

D) Why do you own this/these? (optional)

Loneliness

CNY is near the corner. And honestly I didn’t feel any joy or happiness deep in my heart. It should be a joyful occasion. It should be celebrated. It should be treated as a holiday. For me… it’s a sickening occasion where I should think of: Where will I be? Where it will be celebrated? What will happen during these days? What should I do? What can I do?

When my phone rang, I picked up. I don’t hear any single word. It made me wonder. It made me worry. It made me feel uncomfortable. I can’t concentrate the whole day. I hit my toe and it became black.

When the sun set, I headed home. My head was spinning. My mind was floating. I felt the loneliness. I felt the pain. I felt scared. I felt tired. I hide under the blanket. My tears dropped…

Memories are harder to forget

I'll do what I do

You'll go back to being you

and will both forget

this phase were going through

I'll forget ur laugh and u'll forget my smile

We'll both forget the times we spent together

while u'll forget the memories

i'll forget ur name and we'll both forget the unbearable pain

I see u with her

u see him with me

we've forgotten each other

u r just another face i see.

The harder you try to forget, and you'll just remember.

Is it normal, is it not?

...... Is simply an unanswerable question.....

Research : RESULT

The result was out after i have done my bacian among my frens. Thanks all for your kind co-operation and help!

Welcome the super undies queen : Daniel. H

Still awaiting for his calculation. But he has the most collection among my subjek. Trust me... Others pls... gambate!

Research : Undies...

Doing a research/calculation now ... how many pair of undies do u have ?

I really wonder... how could one owns more than 50 pcs!

Insomnia

I am awake at 3am and blogging. Huh... i must be crazy.The fact is --- I can't sleep. I do not know what to do. I do slept a lot after the "pill" from 11pm - 3 am and I can't sleep now. HELP me !!! I do feel tired but my head is too heavy. Can't put it to rest. What happen to me?!

• Counting sheeps -- Yes, I did. but i do have funny ideas for example: the sheeps are afraid to jump! :P
• Soft Music --- Even worst, i found that annoying... too noisy.
• Milk --- Helpless for my body.. doesnt work
• Blue and calm Sky-- someone suggested to me to think of any calm, blue sky, but.. a no no
• Essential oils -- i had dozens but seems like i don't quite like it burning.
• Off all lights --- of course i did. But I also scared of darkness.
• Sleeping pills --- I tried years back, and is useless!
• Sleeping supplements --- Yet to test the fullest of it's efficacy but seems like i am still awake after the pill.

I think i had tried every single solutions but still failed. Any other good one?

Year of Mice -- 2008

Started the new year 2008 celebration at Desmond's with the others. Enjoyable and fun. Feel happy for the companionship of beloved and others. Feel pretty sad though without my buddy with me. I hope I can have him too with the gang. I can just ring and wish him a happy new year. Hope you are happy and fine, dearest.

The day started quite ok but quitely i was a bit down in heart. Feel bit down for the unreachable call and sms-s. But it was over after an email. I seen it through. I realized something. I start smiling again for my fool-est mind. Spent the whole morning with my grandma and uncle's family in Damansara. Then went off to pick my beloved to Andriez's pool side party. The guys are too slow so i suggested that we swim first. Become "a fish" for about 45 mins before leave for dinner with beloved's family. Then, jalan-jalan at my favourite "activity" -- pasar malam. Miss the old days with buddy in the night markets almost everyday!

Then...... balik and zzzzzzzz as i'm tired like mad. However, the following days and days are full of some disturbances and annoying calls and voice messages. Pretty sienz and stress. Luckily beloved and buddy are there to help me out. Sorry dear, awal awal tahun dah kena minta tolong hang to help up and sama-sama jalan kat jalan yang berduri.

Hope the road ahead wont be too hard for me to walk alone....